Kimbo's Real Enemy

I'm taking a break from school work to watch Ultimate Fighter, and within the first five minutes of the show I'm finding myself impressed. Who would have thought that Kimbo Slice would say something so profound? While talking about getting right with God, he mentions realizing that the real "enemy" is the "inner me." Man, that's deep.

And then, as if Kimbo's profound statement wasn't surprising enough, Marcus Jones goes and says he's passionate about Dungeons & Dragons. This episode is just full of surprises...

Interesting... very interesting...

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Random Thoughts While Taking a Break from Schoolwork

It's been a long afternoon so far and I'm taking a break. I have to apologize ahead of time that I've had so many bleak posts lately. There just isn't much that seems to be going right these days and this blog ends up being my outlet, so please forgive me for my less-than-cheerful posts.

Schoolwork is no fun and it brings up too many memories of Jenni. Work I don't particularly enjoy anyway + poignant reminder of the loneliness = work that is excruciatingly difficult to complete. If you've been keeping up with me on here, you're probably tired of hearing that, so I'll try not to repeat it anymore. But hey, I apologized for being so bleak before I even said it, so that means it's okay right? Right...

I'm seriously considering going back to college, but I think guidance might be the way to go instead of a master's degree in English and/or education. Testing sucks too, but I think I could handle being really busy twice a year. Right now it seems like I'm really busy all the time... except when I'm lazy, but that just makes the workload worse on the weekends when I should be recuperating.

On a brighter note, some of my coworkers showed me this funny baby video last week and if any of my readers need to be cheered up as much as I do right now, it's worth a try:



If that one didn't make anyone crack a smile, this video should do the job:


And finally, if the farting video didn't do the trick, here's a European commercial that I really wish I could show my kids at school without getting in trouble:


Alright, I guess I need to get back to work now...

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School Anxiety... Not Improving, but I'm Adapting

Well, another week down and too many left to go. I managed to get enough grading accomplished to get progress reports out this week, even if I did give more effort grades than usual just to make the job quicker. I think I have figured out how to beat the "school stuff anxiety" that creeps up on me: work on it with people around instead of by myself. Having people around helps keep my mind busy so I don't dwell on things, and it also triggers my "don't break down in front of people" instinct so I hold things in better. My thanks go out to Matt for hanging out last week and helping me file papers (even when I basically told him not to). If I had the money, I think I'd hire a teacher's assistant just to file papers for me. Everyone reading this probably already knows that organization is not exactly my cup of tea.

My goal this weekend is to get completely caught up on the rest of my grading and try not to give any assignment from here on out (other than projects) that I can't finish grading during my planning period. If I can manage that, my stress levels and workload should decrease significantly.

Side Note: I just had to copy & paste this whole page... I'm glad I realized what I was doing before I posted all of this on www.cornwellsclass.com!

Time to hit the shower, the grocery store, somewhere for takeout, and then the school work. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

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Inspiring Myself

Well, I just got a message on Facebook from George Jingles Wilson III (seriously... that's his name), who just read my profile and said I was crazy. As soon as he mentioned reading my profile, I probably turned bright red. Jenni created my Facebook account right after we got married and when she asked me to write the "About Me" section, I tried as hard as I could to embarrass her. It was hilarious. Of course, I forgot all about it and never took it down... so up until today I still had this on my profile:

I enjoy good conversations and long walks on the beach. I'm getting old and I got married... but I'm still the same big kid I've always been. And married sex is good. You should try it sometime. I know I do every day... sometimes multiple times per day. Nah, not sometimes... PREFERABLY multiple times per day. Yup.

Now, that might seem too embarrassing to share on my blog, but it isn't. What's really embarrassing is that some of my former students are my friends on Facebook. The fact that my kids were able to read that... even though they're all grown up now... wow... that's embarrassing.

At this point, you're probably wondering what this embarrassment has to do with inspiring myself. While I was correcting my "oops, I left that up there too long" mistake, I read the rest of my own profile and found that, when I'm not depressed and lonely, I can actually be a fairly inspiring guy. Sometime since the fall of 2007, I wrote this:

I have the best job in the world and nobody believes me. I really feel sorry for anyone who hasn't had the opportunity to teach in an alternate school. You people are missing out on some of the best jobs in the world. I guess I just revealed one of the best kept secrets in America... but it won't matter because nobody will believe me anyway.

Honestly, I wouldn't believe me either after seeing what I've written here over the last few weeks. I can honestly say, though, that the job itself is great... my mental state just hasn't quite seemed up to the challenge lately. I do feel better after reading this. It probably isn't inspiring to anyone else, but it did manage to rekindle a bit of something in me. Of course, now I need to get to work on grading papers because progress reports will go out this week and I really can't put it off much longer. We'll see if I'm still decently optimistic tomorrow morning.

For now, it's nap time and then a nosedive into a heap of student work. Wish me luck.

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"I Refuse to Talk Over You"

This used to be one of my catch phrases. I usually stop each time I am interrupted and repeat myself. Eventually, the repetition gets annoying enough that my students stop talking just so they won't have to hear me repeat the first few lines again. However, as amusing as that little scenario can be for me, it hasn't worked with one of my classes this year and I tried something different today.

Instead of stopping, I just made sure I was louder than the students interrupting me and stood between them until they stopped. It was amazing. I got a little exercise by walking around the room a few times, they completely stopped interrupting me, and I didn't waste any valuable class time addressing the issue.

I guess my new catch phrase should be, "I refuse to let you be the loudest."

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Need a New Job

I'm taking a break from grading papers to ask for some ideas. Just about everything about school is depressing these days... everything reminds me of Jenni and I can't seem to shake it, so I'm wondering if taking a break from teaching for a while might be a good idea. I don't want to give it up forever. I just think that the summer wasn't a long enough break, and while I don't think sitting at home doing nothing is healthy, Jenni and I had careers that overlapped so perfectly that everything about work seems ten times harder than it used to be just because of the memories and emotions.

I don't know why it didn't hit me this hard at the end of the year last year. Perhaps I was able to push through because I knew there wasn't much time left before I'd get a break. Perhaps I was still in shock and the reality just hadn't set in yet. Maybe the Jenni factor isn't necessarily worse, but is bothering me more because the rest of the job has gotten harder and between the two, I've reached my limit. I don't know. All I know is that I don't want to write lesson plans, grade papers, give student feedback, discuss literature, or do anything else that reminds me of Jenni. It would be nice to go to work and "zone out" of the loneliness. Instead, everything I do reminds me of her. I don't know how Judi survives working in a hospital. I wouldn't make it. I just wish that at work I could get my mind off of last spring at least enough that normalcy is a little more... well... normal, and a lot less of an act.

There are a few issues with the idea of a career shift, though.

• I don't want to take a pay cut.
• I don't want to go back to school (unless "school" consists of on-the-job training with pay).
• I don't want to relocate.
• I would prefer to keep working with kids.
• The economy sucks and taking this kind of leap scares the crap out of me.

Okay, so unless some amazing opportunity presents itself, I'm not going anywhere. My whole life is wrapped up in school, and I don't know what else I'd want to do. I also can't think of any jobs that would pay me just as much, maintain the same level of job security, and alleviate my fear of change. I guess I'll just tough it out and keep praying for strength. 

In the meantime, though... it can't hurt to keep an eye out and an open mind, right? If the right opportunity presented itself, I'd sure jump on it.

Anybody have any ideas?

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How Am I Doing?

When asked how she was doing, Jenni used to say "fine" no matter how bad she felt. I guess it was her way of avoiding the subject without actually lying and saying that she was doing great. My responses to that question vary a lot more than Jenni's did...

"Hanging in there."

"I'm alright."

"Pretty good."

None of these really describe how I feel, though. Most of the time I'm not even sure how I feel, much less how to answer. Everything still seems kind of surreal. Judi asked me this afternoon how I was doing, and I think I managed the most honest answer I've mustered in months.

"Nothing's wrong that hasn't been wrong since March."

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