Just a Procrastinating Student Again...

The last week has been busy but frustratingly unproductive.

• I still don't have all of my student loans in place. This stems from the fact that I filled out all of my FAFSA information using my 2009 info and then realized that everything I put together for that is useless until summer school. Apparently, I need my 2008 tax info for the spring 2010 semester... and as much as I've been digging through the house, I haven't been able to find it. I sent the guy who does my taxes an email hoping that he keeps records, so hopefully I'll have this remedied soon.
• I've fallen behind in my classes (like I knew I would) and it has been a struggle trying to get caught back up. There's a ton of reading, and the research methods class is a killer if you're mathematically handicapped like me.
• Of the nine players on my basketball team, I had four come to practice Wednesday and only three on Thursday. Not only is that pathetic... it makes for four hours of my life that I could have spent doing more productive things (like catching up on classwork).
• And I have to end with a confession. Like always, when I feel like I'm overloaded, I have managed to make matters worse by taking breaks that are too frequent and too lengthy. Thus, as much as I want to complain about being so busy, the situation wouldn't be so bad if the procrastinator in me wasn't working so hard to show himself. Ironic, huh? Procrastinator... working hard... sorry, corny sense of humor...

On a brighter note, I have managed to start eating a bit healthier lately. I'm down five pounds now that I'm back on the old "diet." No fried food, no soft drinks, and eating cereal for snacks... it works. I did cheat and drink a 20 oz. Sun Drop yesterday, but otherwise I've been sticking to it for the last week or so.

Now that I've updated, it's back to working on blogger responses, forum posts, and short essays for my classes... wish me luck...

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An Old Favorite Returns

My last post was very serious and thought provoking, but today I want to share something a little more light-hearted. This has been one of my favorite shirts for years, but I haven't been able to wear it recently without feeling like a liar:

Fortunately, now it can rejoin my t-shirt collection.

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Defining Myself

Forgive me ahead of time if this makes very little sense... it isn't making a whole lot of sense to me, either, and that's why I'm writing it out.

A few days ago, a friend of mine at work said, "You don't want to be seen as 'that guy whose wife died' forever." That statement really stuck with me for some reason and I haven't been able to get it off of my mind. Honestly, that's how I've seen myself for almost a year now... and while I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing (because, after all, I am that guy), I wonder sometimes how long it will take me to stop thinking of myself that way.

I was once a husband and a caregiver... now I'm a widower... but I'm also a teacher (temporarily), a friend, a son, a student, etc. I've been thinking about the emphasis I put on each of these, and I've got to admit that widower comes first. When I think about who I am, the first thing that always comes to mind is, "Well, I used to be married to this great gal... but I guess now I'm alone." I think it is natural to define oneself by the tragedies we've faced, but at what point does it become unhealthy? At what point should I start seeing myself as "just me" rather than "that guy whose wife died last year"?

This whole issue of thinking about how much the events of 2009 have had on how I identify myself came to a head this afternoon while I was chatting online. It is interesting how something like Facebook can make a person reexamine himself. An old friend from high school, one I haven't spoken to in eight years or so, sent me a message saying, "Your wife is beautiful." I think my jaw hit the floor. In my self-centered little world, I just assumed that everyone knew... but she didn't. She couldn't have known. She hadn't spoken to me in years and she just saw on my profile that I was married, looked at my pictures, and gave Jenni a compliment.

After I explained the situation and did my best to make sure she didn't feel horrible for the mistake, I went into my profile and tried to change my relationship status to "widowed." The first thing I noticed was the little message that says, "Your relationship will be cancelled upon saving." I'm not sure why, but the word cancelled just struck me as really... horrible, I guess... can't think of a better word at the moment. And the program doesn't keep "widowed" in the box either... it changes to "single" automatically... which doesn't describe how I feel either.

I really want to change it to "It's Complicated" because if it won't let me say widowed, then complicated is a lot closer to the truth than either married or single. Of course, the "It's Complicated" option requires a confirmation from Jenni, who obviously can't confirm. The whole durned thing is complicated... and really, I don't guess it matters too much in the long run what my relationship status says on Facebook. I just really don't want to go through that explanation again... but I don't want to change my status to "single" and have people think I'm back on the market either. Then again, it might be less emotionally taxing to explain that I'm not looking for a relationship than it was to explain how the flight of my life entered a nosedive back in March '09... it will at least come up less often...

I don't know. I'm leaving it as is for now.

I should have been working on school stuff, but I've been writing this instead. I'm so far behind now that I don't know how I'll make it through tomorrow without something being late... but I had to sort out my thoughts a bit... and perhaps someone will leave me some profound piece of advice to help me sort this out.

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aplacetotalk Basketball Tournament

The regular season is over, and the CVHS guys finished with a record of 3-1. Next Friday, January 29th, will be the season finale: a single elimination tournament. The first game is at 6:00 and the last game is at 10:00. We were ranked 3rd at the end of the season (technically tied for second but we lost the coin flip after going all the way down the tiebreaker options). We'll play at 7:00, 9:00, and 10:00 if we continue winning.

I want to say again how proud I am of my players. Most of them have handled adversity on the court with good sportsmanship and maturity. I hope that we will get to keep the team going and continue playing in the future...

Tournament Schedule (the last date on the schedule is incorrect... we play on the 29th as stated above)

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Midway Through Two Weeks of Craziness

Crazy time has officially started... taking a full load of graduate courses and teaching at the same time... and I have a ton of work that I should be doing, but I'm not going to touch it until Monday morning. How's that for good time management? (Yeah, I wrote this Saturday and forgot to post it... ooops!)

On Friday, I looked around my classroom just before I left for the weekend and thought about never teaching again. Technically, I'm still a teacher for another week, but that's just four exam days and a teacher workday. The thought of never teaching again was a little saddening but a relief at the same time. I'm not sure what I'll do about this blog... I might just add a subtitle... something like "NOT ANYMORE!" right under Crazy Teacher Musings. Of course, I'm still a little crazy, but I'll only be a teacher for another week so I've got to do something...

Other random stuff:

• I've missed two second halves this week. It sucks to see the Heels play so badly in the first half that I don't even want to watch the second.
• The ticklish video has almost 4000 hits! Happy birthday, Mama!
• I'm actually going to try to stay connected with people on Facebook from now on. I signed on a few weeks ago and had to catch up on 40+ old messages. While I was on, I got to catch up with some folks that I haven't talked to in ages... and discussed the next bullet point with Jeremy (one of those people I haven't talked to in forever).
• I'm hoping to have a bunch of folks over for UFC 109, but it's the same weekend as the Super Bowl, so I'm not sure how many people will show. And I need to fix the big chair in the living room before I have company over...
• My basketball team is 3-0 now, and despite some issues with fouling and attitudes, I'm proud of them. This has been a great experience so far.

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At Least I'm Not as Stressed as I Was in Spring '06

I didn't think I'd have time to write this week, but the morning's events conspired to give me a day off. First of all, I overslept and woke up right about the time I usually leave for work. That shouldn't be a huge deal because I'm usually one of the first in the building. When I sleep late, it just means that I have to rush to get ready but I still usually beat most of my colleagues to school. Not today... today I hopped in the shower, got ice cold water for about two seconds, and then no water at all... FROZEN PIPES!

I didn't realize that it got down into the low twenties last night, so I didn't leave a faucet dripping like I usually do... and now I'm sitting around, feeling gross because I can't take a shower, waiting for my pipes to thaw. UGH! What a day this is shaping up to be already...

I really needed the day off, though. This past week has been hectic and things won't slow down at all until the 25th. I have entirely too much on my plate right now, with basketball (which could be very casual but I turned it into a bigger deal than it had to be by scheduling practices), my counseling classes, and teaching all vying for my time.

Every time I start to feel overwhelmed, though, I just think back to the spring of '06. Back then, I was working as the resident director of West Hall, student teaching at Richmond Senior High, and making the drive to Duke to be with Jenni as often as possible... and somehow, I survived that. I was stressed out beyond belief, but God saw me through it.

I felt like a failure much of that last semester of college, and I probably would have had a nervous breakdown if not for Jenni, my mom, and Ms. Clewis (among others) continually assuring me that I was doing the best that I could given the circumstances. I feel like a failure pretty often nowadays as well, but I'm hoping that the big turnaround that I'm working on right now (transitioning from high school teacher --> college student) will improve that.

Trying to stay positive...

• I've just barely started my classes, but they don't seem like they'll be too tough (although I might live to eat those words over the next few months).
• Only two more lesson plans to write, some make-up work to grade, and exam week... then teaching will be a thing of the past.
• Basketball is fun. It has become much more time consuming than I intended, but that's more my fault than anyone else's.

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Holidays Suck, 2010 Resolutions, and Looking Ahead

I don't know if I can accurately express how crappy Christmas has been this year, but I guess it was just the capstone on what I can easily describe as the worst year of my life thus far.

I won't waste more space than that talking about how depressed I've been lately. Onward we go.

2010 has one thing going for it already. It has to be better than 2009. So as I look forward, I'm doing my best to do so with optimism. I'm trusting that God will turn things around for me this year and make me feel useful again. In losing Jenni, I lost a wife and best friend, but I also lost a great deal of my purpose in life. While I'm still unsure of how best to deal with the loneliness, I think God has led me to my new purpose... and I'm looking forward to getting started at Lenoir Rhyne in a few weeks. A degree in counseling will (hopefully) lead me into a more purposeful existence.

Okay, so the new year is beginning, and this one will be better than the last. I've never really made New Years resolutions with any conviction to actually accomplish them, but this year I'm actually going to try. I have three:

1. Get out of the house more. While I'm a homebody at heart and would prefer to be here, I recognize the need to be out and about more. I've missed more family gatherings, opportunities to hang out with friends, and opportunities to have fun than I'd like to admit this year... all in the name of either school work or depression.
2. Read for class. After the first semester of my freshman year in college, I never bought books for classes. I was intelligent enough to pass without the reading material. Honestly, I think the biggest problem was being a guy in a girl-dominated subject area. Pride and Prejudice? Romeo and Juliet? Wuthering Heights? HECK NO! This counseling stuff, though, actually interests me... and even when it doesn't, I intend to force myself to read it anyway.
3. Get back in shape. I don't necessarily need to be in the same shape I was in when I was in high school. I'd be satisfied with the shape I was in back in the spring and summer of '07. Under 200 lbs and not embarrassed to step on the basketball court... those were the good old days. I just need to get back on my old diet: no soft drinks... no fried food... eat Cheerios if I'm hungry and it isn't mealtime. Other than those rules, I ate whatever I wanted and lost 40 lbs in six months. Hopefully I can replicate that success in 2010.

That's all for today, folks. Happy New Year and all that.

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