Crazy Teacher Musings

Going, Going, Gone

2012-02-25T14:46:00.000-05:00

Obviously, I haven't written here in a while. I could explain here, but I'm not going to. I'm writing in other places now and I want you to go there to read the explanation.

Go on. You know you want to. Click here... and then get a good laugh out of the title of my new blog.

Crunch Time

2010-04-18T13:29:00.002-04:00

Okay, here's a quick post that will serve as much as a personal checklist as anything else. For those of you who think I've fallen off the face of the planet lately, this will explain quite a bit too. All of this stuff is due sometime between now and May 11th.

Three Reading Checks
Six Forum Posts
Create a Survey & Do Approval Paperwork
Meta-Analysis Project (Which is absolutely killing me, by the way)
AA/NA Meeting Paper
Diagnosis & Treatment Plan
Eight 2-3 Page Reaction Papers
5-7 Page 12-Step Plan Paper
Four Discussion Board Posts
A Ton of Wiki Contributions
Three Essay Assignments
Six Blogger Responses (estimate)
Contribute to Ethics Hearing Board Paper/Presentation
Huge Essay-Based Take-Home Exam

Yeah, I might have procrastinated a little...

Soul Searching (Continued)

2010-04-12T23:01:00.003-04:00

It has been several weeks since I've written anything, and I really shouldn't be writing this now considering how much work I have to do for my classes. But I don't feel like working (surprise, surprise), so I'm writing for myself (and anyone interested enough in me to read this junk) instead of for professors.

So for anyone who didn't know, last weekend I got a surge of spontaneity and decided to hit the road. For no other reason than that I've been to the north, east, and west already in the last month, I decided to head south. After riding for a couple of hours, I figured I should make a decision on a more specific destination... considered Miami for a bit, but eventually settled on Charleston. And my little vacation was alright... not great, but not terrible either. It was good to get away from Hickory for a while.

If nothing else, my spontaneous vacation gave me plenty of time to drive around, burn through my budget, and lose myself in thought. I did manage to get some work done for class while I was in Charleston, but the assignment required watching Good Will Hunting and it kind of threw me for a loop. Don't get me wrong... Good Will Hunting is an awesome movie. It's classified as a drama and I still like it. That alone speaks to its awesomeness. In fact, Good Will Hunting has one of my favorite movie scenes of all time:

However, as much as I like the movie, certain parts of the film are much more difficult to watch... much more thought provoking. This scene in particular is difficult for me right now:

WARNING: If profanity offends you, don't watch this clip.

I'm going to leave it at that... because if there is a character limit for blogger, I might reach it if I actually write all of this mess down. I mentioned the other day that it's a good thing nobody can read my mind, because they might think I'm unstable. I was joking at the time, but it might not be that far from the truth. Soul searching is good... but it sure hasn't made me feel any more stable lately.

I think I'm going to watch the movie again before I go to bed. Maybe I'm not unstable. Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment.

Soul Searching

2010-03-26T08:55:00.001-04:00

I barely slept at all last night, which doesn't bode well for my long drive(s) today. I'll survive, though. Surprisingly, it wasn't depression that kept me up. After the plummet of the last week or so, I feel like I might be on the verge of another upswing. Hopefully, I'll get back to feeling this good. Why the upswing? I'm not sure exactly... but I stumbled on this poem last night...

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

...and my reaction to it almost startled me. I found it to be more reassuring than depressing. Usually, poems like this are really depressing and just a little reassuring, but those feelings were transposed this time for some reason.

The name Jeremy Camp popped into my head late last night too, and I started listening to some of his music. I might not ever listen to it again just because it really isn't my style, but the guy's story is inspiring (especially to me). You can check it out here. What really struck me was how he seemed to use his pain to drive him. I haven't really done that... and I wonder how my life would be different if I let my emotions push me in positive directions instead of just letting them shut me down. I'd like to know what it feels like to be a "renewed man" as Jeremy Camp's website describes him. I'm going to be giving this some serious thought.

I'm not sure exactly what any of this will come to mean in the grand scheme of things... but I'll have plenty of time on the road today for soul searching.

A Year Without Jenni

2010-03-23T11:25:00.002-04:00

Well... it has been a long, tough year... and as strong as people claim that I am, I doubt I would have been able to do it without God and the people He has put in my life to rally around me. Thanks, everybody.

I feel like I should do some kind of tribute or something, but nothing seems appropriate or good enough. I wish I could collect the words of all the people whose lives she influenced and publish them somewhere. There is an odd mixture of pride, peace, and loss that wells up in me every time someone tells me about how much she meant to them, like "Yep, that's my girl" and "It's okay, her work was done" punctuated by a sharp pang of loneliness... impossible to accurately describe.

I keep trying to come up with what I would say in my contribution to such a collection, but again, nothing I write seems good enough. Perhaps the most powerful statement I can make is one that is succinct, something like:

When I desperately needed a fresh start with new friends, we befriended one another. When my belief in love was shaken, we fell in love. When I knew nothing of laughing in the face of hardship, we laughed together. When the odds were stacked against us, we fought them together. She taught me what "we" really meant.

But now there is no we... only me. I've spent a year now trying to figure out who I am without her, and I'm still struggling. It's strange how I wish she could tell me all the answers... and yet, if she could, I wouldn't need them.

Missing you, Jenni...

You've Gotta Be Kidding Me...

2010-03-20T21:56:00.000-04:00

Seriously? SERIOUSLY??? Carolina's next game is March 23rd at 9:00 PM? You have GOT to be kidding me...

I know I haven't written much this month. I haven't felt like talking about things much at all, and the few times I have felt like talking, I've been blessed to be able to talk to real people instead of just posting my thoughts on the blog. But tonight I felt like I needed to post something because the irony is just a little too bitter.

They just better not freakin' lose.

Trying to Look Gangsta? Try Again...

2010-02-28T07:40:00.001-05:00

There's nothing like a scrawny white kid trying to act gangsta. It has worked for some... just look at Eminem. But for most, the attempt blurs the line between embarrassing and amusing. For this kid, we'll call it embarrassing for him and amusing to everyone else.

see more Epic Fails

Where all my Twilight thugs at?!?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Facepalm Central

2010-02-23T08:07:00.002-05:00

Well, it is Tuesday... and I just realized that my IQ must have dropped over the last week or so. Among other mistakes too embarrassing to list here, the week's stupidity includes:

Freaking out because I thought Lenoir Rhyne kicked me out of my classes for not paying tuition. I couldn't see my classes on LAMP (which is similar to Blackboard for those not "in the know"). Then I checked my bill... not due until the 28th.
Calling the tech people at Lenoir Rhyne because I couldn't see those classes, only to find out that Google Chrome isn't a supported browser. If I had just tried it in Firefox, I would have been fine... and that's usually the first thing I check when I'm having trouble with a website. For a self-proclaimed net-nerd like me, that crap is embarrassing.
Trying to go to the gym in the middle of the day KNOWING that there are fifty million people in there. There are reasons I go in the middle of the night or really early in the morning.
Giving Josh a hard time about a timeout getting called during our game Friday when it was, in fact, my player who called it.
Trying to edit the video of the basketball game when I knew good and well that there's a computer applications II class at CVHS that I could have gotten to do the work for me. Since I never completely finished, I plan on correcting this mistake over the next few days.
Completely missing a quiz for one of my classes that was worth ten points of my final grade. So much for that A.

I could keep going, but I won't.

Smile, make fun of myself, laugh a little, and tackle today as if I didn't screw anything up yesterday. That's a good way to start each morning, right?

You Know You're a Die Hard Carolina Fan When...

2010-02-19T14:28:00.002-05:00

When the Heels are 3-8 in ACC play and these are still really tempting...

And when you've had several conversations over the last few days about how our beloved Heels might spring back and win the ACC tournament...

Here's hoping for a miracle...

Refocusing

2010-02-16T16:14:00.000-05:00

Well, I've vented quite enough over the last few days through my blog. It's time I stopped and refocused myself, so I apologize for the negativity that I've been consumed with lately. I hope I didn't drag anybody down with me, because I sure wouldn't wish the funk I was in on anyone. Other than that, this is just a random update...

I finally completed my substitute teaching paperwork, so I should be back at CVHS next week sometime assuming somebody calls in sick. I'll need the money, and being around the kids usually keeps me in a good mood. But substitutes have very few responsibilities compared to full time teachers, so I should be able to work fairly often without the take-home work and the headaches.
The aplacetotalk basketball tournament is this Friday! My guys could use a cheering section...
Eric told me to look up G.R.I.T.S. on YouTube today. I can't say that I like them. But I did click through a few related videos links and stumbled on "My Clothes, My Hair" by The Ambassador and I did like that. I haven't looked though much of his other music, but even if that's the only song I enjoy, at least it's something relatively new that I like (considering how dissatisfied I've been with current rap music).

VD Sucks

2010-02-15T02:55:00.001-05:00

No, not venereal disease... although I'm sure that isn't pleasant either. I can't remember the last time I had a problem with Valentine's Day... even VD 2003 (the last one I can think of that would have been negative) must not have been all that bad because I can't remember it at all. But this Valentine's Day weekend, I've been more than a little down. That sucks considering how good last weekend was, but I kind of expected it. I let depression take over and didn't follow any of my New Years Resolutions... I ate like a pig, didn't get out much, and didn't do much work for class at all. I spent quite a bit of time just listening to music, playing minesweeper, and thinking.

I even skipped hanging out with my church folks tonight. I recognize the need to be around people when I get this lonely, but I just couldn't shake the idea that being the odd guy hanging out with three happy couples would just make my evening even worse... so I stayed at home. But it did get me thinking about how blessed I have been to have those three couples in my life. It is common for surviving spouses* to feel abandoned by their married friends, but I have never had that feeling. I don't know how to adequately thank Josh & Chantae, John & Hilary, Jeremiah & Tamara. Perhaps someday I'll get the chance to do something truly meaningful for them in return for treating me so well (even overlooking my sometimes-crude sarcasm).

I've actually had a lot more than that on my mind this weekend, but I'm still sorting through the rest of it. I'll share more as things solidify. For now, I'm just glad this particular holiday is over. Here's hoping the rest of February shapes up to be as good as the first week and a half.

Random Side Note: Inglourious Basterds is not the kind of movie that will cheer you up. I thought some dark humor might suit my mood, but it turns out that I judged the book by its cover (or the movie by its preview) and came up wrong. Despite hilarious commercials, the movie just isn't that funny at all. Every funny part is in the previews and the rest of the movie is either boring or just plain depressing. Granted, it's a different kind of depressing than "I'm alone on Valentine's Day," but it's still depressing. Don't make the mistake of thinking you'll feel better after watching it.

* "Surviving spouse" sounds odd, but I just can't call myself a widower. If a widow is a woman whose husband has died, the widower should be the one who created the widow... or at least did something with her. I didn't create a widow or do anything with/to a widow. It just doesn't make sense to add the -er suffix. The English language is so strange sometimes... and only an English teacher would be strange enough to take issue with something like this... go figure...

Things Are Looking Up

2010-02-06T08:15:00.001-05:00

Over the last few weeks, a lot of things have come together to improve my general state of being and rejuvenate me. I still miss Jenni... but I'm finally starting to come out of the shell I've kept myself in for the last 11 months. And just like everyone told me, I've had to force myself to get out. Setting a few New Years resolutions and actually trying to stick to them has really helped... even though I have really only felt half-successful, I've at least been working at them. I'm out and about more, I've been reading for class now that I'm focusing on college, and I've lost a few pounds. I can't claim victory yet, but at least I've won the first few battles.

Among the things picking me up...

I've reestablished a ton of old connections with people I haven't talked to in years. Granted, many of these have just been Facebook chats and/or phone calls, but touching base with old friends has been good for me.
Even though leaving CVHS was tough, the reactions of my coworkers and students has been positive. It may sound strange and even a bit selfish, but it feels good to know that I'm missed. I hope things work out so that I'll be able to return in the fall as a counselor.
I'm coaching basketball again, something I'm really not good at but that I enjoy immensely.
I skipped ahead in one of my counseling books and read everything on death and grieving. I didn't really think I was ready for it, but I did it anyway... and I think it helped more than it hurt.

In any case, I've started having these moments of actual happiness. They're fleeting, and I still feel kind of numb most of the time, but just that they're happening has to be a good sign. Next month (maybe even next weekend), I might be looking back at this post thinking about how crazy I must have been to think things were looking up, but I guess that's okay. For now, I'm just enjoying the fresh air. If I need to hide in the shell again, at least I'll be less apprehensive about re-emerging next time.

Funny Websites

2010-02-04T08:04:00.002-05:00

I've been a fan of failblog.org ever since Layne pointed it out to me some time ago. It is a great way to spend time laughing at stupid mistakes people have made. My personal favorite failblog.org video at the moment is this guy. I'd like to know if he managed to get out without help... OUCH...

Last night, Lyndsey pointed me to another great website: www.peopleofwalmart.com. As you can imagine, it is hilarious. However, it is not for the faint of heart. If you are frightened by mullets or scantily clad (ugly) women, do not follow that link! If you can overcome your disgust enough to roll around in the floor laughing, ENJOY!

Lil Wayne = Proof of Rap Music's Decline

2010-02-03T08:10:00.002-05:00

[Begin Rant]

Ever since late high school, my interest in music has slowly but steadily been drifting away from rap. Have I found something I like more? Not really. I still enjoy 90's rap more than any other era/genre of music. The problem is that I have been woefully unimpressed with so many songs that have been released in the last decade... and disgusted with the stupidity of so many of the most popular artists of recent years.

I miss the days when rappers actually showed a little bit of intelligence. How about the vocabulary and extended rhymes we got from 2pac?

"let me start of with my conversation, hoping my information alleviates the hesitation" (apparently, elyrics.net didn't learn the vocabulary lesson... their page shows eleviates instead of alleviates... pathetic)
"the anticipation of love makin' got you shakin' when I'm standin' near ya"
"driven by my ambition, desire higher positions so I proceed to make G's eternally, and my mission is to be more than just a rap musician, the elevation of today's generation if I can make 'em listen"

Lil Wayne is a perfect example of how stupidity has crept in. It has always been there, but not usually from artists whose songs consistently top the charts. I happened to hear "Let it Rock" last night and actually took the time to think about a few of the things Lil Wayne said...

"big a** rocks like on the ground" - You're a real genius there, Mr. Wayne. Nice simile. Big rocks... like the ones on the ground... whoah... I'm blown away by your lyrical skillz.
"period, like the remainda" - Brilliant! Well, except for one thing... there aren't any periods involved when you calculate the remainder. If I remember correctly, that's second grade math.

Obviously, our education system failed this poor sap. Comparing Lil Wayne to 2pac isn't quite fair, though. Pac had songs that were meaningful and popular... if Wayne has any meaningful songs at all, they're hidden somewhere far away from his hit singles (which have been garbage). And 2pac never made similes a significant part of his lyrics, so it is difficult to find direct comparisons when I'm mainly pointing out how Lil Wayne's similes just don't make sense. I wouldn't want to insult the man and support my insult by comparing apples to oranges. So who makes significant use of similes and actually uses them effectively? Ludacris...

you punks pucker and pout, bicker and babble, now they all lost for words like I beat 'em in Scrabble
ya'll got it all wrong like women in tuxedos, and comin' up shorter than five Danny Devitos

These similes actually make sense, and there's even a little alliteration thrown in for good measure. Best of all, Ludacris is popular enough and current enough to displace Lil Wayne's flooding of radio airtime. So when is Luda going to come out with another big hit so I'll have a reason to listen to a rap station again? Not soon enough...

Here's hoping for a rap renaissance that brings intelligence and social issues to the forefront. Seriously, let's at least bring intelligence and social issues back into the picture...

[End Rant]

January is That Magical Month...

2010-02-01T08:46:00.000-05:00

...for me getting sinus infections. And I really thought that I had avoided it this year until I started sniffling and sneezing yesterday morning. How ironic is it that I started eating better and then got sick? Of course, this is the sinus trouble that hits me every single year sometime in January and then again in August. I guess I should be used to it by now.

I guess the best part is that I'm unemployed now, so I don't have to worry about calling in sick or suffering through a day of work. I hope I'll be able to shake this quickly, because I'm still behind on all that I need to do and getting sick doesn't motivate me to get things done any faster.

Just a Procrastinating Student Again...

2010-01-30T12:10:00.000-05:00

The last week has been busy but frustratingly unproductive.

I still don't have all of my student loans in place. This stems from the fact that I filled out all of my FAFSA information using my 2009 info and then realized that everything I put together for that is useless until summer school. Apparently, I need my 2008 tax info for the spring 2010 semester... and as much as I've been digging through the house, I haven't been able to find it. I sent the guy who does my taxes an email hoping that he keeps records, so hopefully I'll have this remedied soon.
I've fallen behind in my classes (like I knew I would) and it has been a struggle trying to get caught back up. There's a ton of reading, and the research methods class is a killer if you're mathematically handicapped like me.
Of the nine players on my basketball team, I had four come to practice Wednesday and only three on Thursday. Not only is that pathetic... it makes for four hours of my life that I could have spent doing more productive things (like catching up on classwork).
And I have to end with a confession. Like always, when I feel like I'm overloaded, I have managed to make matters worse by taking breaks that are too frequent and too lengthy. Thus, as much as I want to complain about being so busy, the situation wouldn't be so bad if the procrastinator in me wasn't working so hard to show himself. Ironic, huh? Procrastinator... working hard... sorry, corny sense of humor...

On a brighter note, I have managed to start eating a bit healthier lately. I'm down five pounds now that I'm back on the old "diet." No fried food, no soft drinks, and eating cereal for snacks... it works. I did cheat and drink a 20 oz. Sun Drop yesterday, but otherwise I've been sticking to it for the last week or so.

Now that I've updated, it's back to working on blogger responses, forum posts, and short essays for my classes... wish me luck...

An Old Favorite Returns

2010-01-26T17:44:00.000-05:00

My last post was very serious and thought provoking, but today I want to share something a little more light-hearted. This has been one of my favorite shirts for years, but I haven't been able to wear it recently without feeling like a liar:

Fortunately, now it can rejoin my t-shirt collection.

Defining Myself

2010-01-24T23:54:00.002-05:00

Forgive me ahead of time if this makes very little sense... it isn't making a whole lot of sense to me, either, and that's why I'm writing it out.

A few days ago, a friend of mine at work said, "You don't want to be seen as 'that guy whose wife died' forever." That statement really stuck with me for some reason and I haven't been able to get it off of my mind. Honestly, that's how I've seen myself for almost a year now... and while I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing (because, after all, I am that guy), I wonder sometimes how long it will take me to stop thinking of myself that way.

I was once a husband and a caregiver... now I'm a widower... but I'm also a teacher (temporarily), a friend, a son, a student, etc. I've been thinking about the emphasis I put on each of these, and I've got to admit that widower comes first. When I think about who I am, the first thing that always comes to mind is, "Well, I used to be married to this great gal... but I guess now I'm alone." I think it is natural to define oneself by the tragedies we've faced, but at what point does it become unhealthy? At what point should I start seeing myself as "just me" rather than "that guy whose wife died last year"?

This whole issue of thinking about how much the events of 2009 have had on how I identify myself came to a head this afternoon while I was chatting online. It is interesting how something like Facebook can make a person reexamine himself. An old friend from high school, one I haven't spoken to in eight years or so, sent me a message saying, "Your wife is beautiful." I think my jaw hit the floor. In my self-centered little world, I just assumed that everyone knew... but she didn't. She couldn't have known. She hadn't spoken to me in years and she just saw on my profile that I was married, looked at my pictures, and gave Jenni a compliment.

After I explained the situation and did my best to make sure she didn't feel horrible for the mistake, I went into my profile and tried to change my relationship status to "widowed." The first thing I noticed was the little message that says, "Your relationship will be cancelled upon saving." I'm not sure why, but the word cancelled just struck me as really... horrible, I guess... can't think of a better word at the moment. And the program doesn't keep "widowed" in the box either... it changes to "single" automatically... which doesn't describe how I feel either.

I really want to change it to "It's Complicated" because if it won't let me say widowed, then complicated is a lot closer to the truth than either married or single. Of course, the "It's Complicated" option requires a confirmation from Jenni, who obviously can't confirm. The whole durned thing is complicated... and really, I don't guess it matters too much in the long run what my relationship status says on Facebook. I just really don't want to go through that explanation again... but I don't want to change my status to "single" and have people think I'm back on the market either. Then again, it might be less emotionally taxing to explain that I'm not looking for a relationship than it was to explain how the flight of my life entered a nosedive back in March '09... it will at least come up less often...

I don't know. I'm leaving it as is for now.

I should have been working on school stuff, but I've been writing this instead. I'm so far behind now that I don't know how I'll make it through tomorrow without something being late... but I had to sort out my thoughts a bit... and perhaps someone will leave me some profound piece of advice to help me sort this out.

aplacetotalk Basketball Tournament

2010-01-22T23:49:00.000-05:00

The regular season is over, and the CVHS guys finished with a record of 3-1. Next Friday, January 29th, will be the season finale: a single elimination tournament. The first game is at 6:00 and the last game is at 10:00. We were ranked 3rd at the end of the season (technically tied for second but we lost the coin flip after going all the way down the tiebreaker options). We'll play at 7:00, 9:00, and 10:00 if we continue winning.

I want to say again how proud I am of my players. Most of them have handled adversity on the court with good sportsmanship and maturity. I hope that we will get to keep the team going and continue playing in the future...

Tournament Schedule (the last date on the schedule is incorrect... we play on the 29th as stated above)

Midway Through Two Weeks of Craziness

2010-01-18T09:14:00.002-05:00

Crazy time has officially started... taking a full load of graduate courses and teaching at the same time... and I have a ton of work that I should be doing, but I'm not going to touch it until Monday morning. How's that for good time management? (Yeah, I wrote this Saturday and forgot to post it... ooops!)

On Friday, I looked around my classroom just before I left for the weekend and thought about never teaching again. Technically, I'm still a teacher for another week, but that's just four exam days and a teacher workday. The thought of never teaching again was a little saddening but a relief at the same time. I'm not sure what I'll do about this blog... I might just add a subtitle... something like "NOT ANYMORE!" right under Crazy Teacher Musings. Of course, I'm still a little crazy, but I'll only be a teacher for another week so I've got to do something...

Other random stuff:

I've missed two second halves this week. It sucks to see the Heels play so badly in the first half that I don't even want to watch the second.
The ticklish video has almost 4000 hits! Happy birthday, Mama!
I'm actually going to try to stay connected with people on Facebook from now on. I signed on a few weeks ago and had to catch up on 40+ old messages. While I was on, I got to catch up with some folks that I haven't talked to in ages... and discussed the next bullet point with Jeremy (one of those people I haven't talked to in forever).
I'm hoping to have a bunch of folks over for UFC 109, but it's the same weekend as the Super Bowl, so I'm not sure how many people will show. And I need to fix the big chair in the living room before I have company over...
My basketball team is 3-0 now, and despite some issues with fouling and attitudes, I'm proud of them. This has been a great experience so far.

At Least I'm Not as Stressed as I Was in Spring '06

2010-01-13T08:55:00.001-05:00

I didn't think I'd have time to write this week, but the morning's events conspired to give me a day off. First of all, I overslept and woke up right about the time I usually leave for work. That shouldn't be a huge deal because I'm usually one of the first in the building. When I sleep late, it just means that I have to rush to get ready but I still usually beat most of my colleagues to school. Not today... today I hopped in the shower, got ice cold water for about two seconds, and then no water at all... FROZEN PIPES!

I didn't realize that it got down into the low twenties last night, so I didn't leave a faucet dripping like I usually do... and now I'm sitting around, feeling gross because I can't take a shower, waiting for my pipes to thaw. UGH! What a day this is shaping up to be already...

I really needed the day off, though. This past week has been hectic and things won't slow down at all until the 25th. I have entirely too much on my plate right now, with basketball (which could be very casual but I turned it into a bigger deal than it had to be by scheduling practices), my counseling classes, and teaching all vying for my time.

Every time I start to feel overwhelmed, though, I just think back to the spring of '06. Back then, I was working as the resident director of West Hall, student teaching at Richmond Senior High, and making the drive to Duke to be with Jenni as often as possible... and somehow, I survived that. I was stressed out beyond belief, but God saw me through it.

I felt like a failure much of that last semester of college, and I probably would have had a nervous breakdown if not for Jenni, my mom, and Ms. Clewis (among others) continually assuring me that I was doing the best that I could given the circumstances. I feel like a failure pretty often nowadays as well, but I'm hoping that the big turnaround that I'm working on right now (transitioning from high school teacher --> college student) will improve that.

Trying to stay positive...

I've just barely started my classes, but they don't seem like they'll be too tough (although I might live to eat those words over the next few months).
Only two more lesson plans to write, some make-up work to grade, and exam week... then teaching will be a thing of the past.
Basketball is fun. It has become much more time consuming than I intended, but that's more my fault than anyone else's.

Holidays Suck, 2010 Resolutions, and Looking Ahead

2010-01-01T00:01:00.007-05:00

I don't know if I can accurately express how crappy Christmas has been this year, but I guess it was just the capstone on what I can easily describe as the worst year of my life thus far.

I won't waste more space than that talking about how depressed I've been lately. Onward we go.

2010 has one thing going for it already. It has to be better than 2009. So as I look forward, I'm doing my best to do so with optimism. I'm trusting that God will turn things around for me this year and make me feel useful again. In losing Jenni, I lost a wife and best friend, but I also lost a great deal of my purpose in life. While I'm still unsure of how best to deal with the loneliness, I think God has led me to my new purpose... and I'm looking forward to getting started at Lenoir Rhyne in a few weeks. A degree in counseling will (hopefully) lead me into a more purposeful existence.

Okay, so the new year is beginning, and this one will be better than the last. I've never really made New Years resolutions with any conviction to actually accomplish them, but this year I'm actually going to try. I have three:

Get out of the house more. While I'm a homebody at heart and would prefer to be here, I recognize the need to be out and about more. I've missed more family gatherings, opportunities to hang out with friends, and opportunities to have fun than I'd like to admit this year... all in the name of either school work or depression.
Read for class. After the first semester of my freshman year in college, I never bought books for classes. I was intelligent enough to pass without the reading material. Honestly, I think the biggest problem was being a guy in a girl-dominated subject area. Pride and Prejudice? Romeo and Juliet? Wuthering Heights? HECK NO! This counseling stuff, though, actually interests me... and even when it doesn't, I intend to force myself to read it anyway.
Get back in shape. I don't necessarily need to be in the same shape I was in when I was in high school. I'd be satisfied with the shape I was in back in the spring and summer of '07. Under 200 lbs and not embarrassed to step on the basketball court... those were the good old days. I just need to get back on my old diet: no soft drinks... no fried food... eat Cheerios if I'm hungry and it isn't mealtime. Other than those rules, I ate whatever I wanted and lost 40 lbs in six months. Hopefully I can replicate that success in 2010.

That's all for today, folks. Happy New Year and all that.

Has It Really Been a Month?

2009-12-20T11:55:00.002-05:00

Well, not quite... but pretty close... and it has been a hard one. If I elaborated on everything that has happened this month, this post would be entirely too long, so I'll just hit the highlights and try to write on a more regular basis from now on.

I finally received my acceptance letter from Lenoir Rhyne, and I've had the opportunity to meet with my advisor already. Classes start on January 12th. I'll be taking four classes: COU 525 (Professional and Ethical Issues), EDU 505 (Research Methodology and Practicum), EDU 506 (Child, Individual, and Family Development), and COU 583 (Addictions Counseling). At least, that's assuming they don't fill up before my paperwork gets to the registrar. Dr. Wood acted like I was crazy for taking so many, but I explained that I needed this change to take place quickly so I can get out of the classroom and she let me do it. I can't wait to get started...

My wedding anniversary hit me like a brick. I asked for the day off months ago, but I ended up taking off the following day as well... and I really didn't feel like going back on Monday either. When I returned on Monday, though, I found my room much cleaner than when I left. Everything was neatly organized, and I found this on my keyboard:

We'll have to work on that grammar, but these are the moments that make working with kids more rewarding than anything else in the world. There was apparently another card from another class, but I never received it. Apparently, the students gave it to another teacher to give it to me and it disappeared. Still, the idea that my students found out why I wasn't there (still not sure who told them) and took the time to show their concern is flattering. They really aren't bad kids... they just have really bad circumstances and really bad habits.

I've found some comfort in following the train of thought I was following in this old post. Whenever I start feeling really depressed, I try to do something that Jenni would have wanted me to do. Sometimes it is as dramatic as driving down to Rockingham to visit her dad and sometimes it is as simple as actually folding my laundry instead of tossing it in a pile... but it always makes me feel a little better. This means that Judge's is back in the rotation.

In addition to adding Judge's BBQ back into the restaurant rotation, I've also started visiting the Brown Sugar Cafe. It's run by the family of a lady I work with at CVHS and they have great food: especially the macaroni & cheese and potato salad. And to top it off, their tea is better than Bojangles. Jenni would love this place. It reminds me of Pat's Kitchen in Rockingham. My only complaint about this restaurant is that it doesn't have a website I can link to! It would be great advertising, and if they go through services like Google they can get their own domain name for as cheap as $9.99/year. That's all www.crazyteachermusings.com costs me. Oh well, website or not, it's a great place to eat.

Currently, I'm "snowed in." Technically I'm not, but getting out would require more effort than I'm willing to put forth, so I'm claiming to be. I haven't done any shopping at all except for getting presents for Ali and Hunter, and I probably wouldn't have even bought theirs yet if the Wallaces hadn't planned on exchanging gifts this weekend. The snow put those plans on hold, and it has also put my shopping on hold. I normally start at the beginning of winter break and finish sometime on Christmas Eve, and I'm already two days into break without anything accomplished. I'm having a hard time finding any real enjoyment in the season this year, though, so keep me in your prayers. I don't think I've ever dreaded Christmas before, but I guess there's a first time for everything.

Sorry for the long post... this is what happens when bloggers get so caught up in trying to survive in the real world that we can't take the time to write.

Counseling Program Essay

2009-11-23T20:20:00.000-05:00

The last time I wrote an essay for a college application, I wrote something like, "I applied for the teaching fellows scholarship and I want to go to school at Pembroke." I was one cocky sonuvagun back when I was applying at UNCP. In some ways, I still am... but this essay seemed more important, so I took more time on it. Now that it is complete, I want to share it. This is the essay I attached to my Lenoir Rhyne application:

I’ve been teaching English for nearly four years now, but my passion has never really been for literature or grammar. I appreciate fine literature and I scowl at poorly formed sentences, but these seem trivial compared to the work I want to do: help troubled teens on a more personal level. When my wife Jenni and I moved to Hickory, we came for two reasons: it was my hometown and Hickory Public Schools was paying for graduate courses. We had every intention of joining Appalachian graduate cohorts and pursuing our master’s degrees as we continued teaching. She began working at Grandview Middle School, while I snatched up a position at Catawba Valley High.

When it came time to apply for college, though, I just couldn’t bring myself to go back to school for a master’s degree in English or in education. I loved working with teens, but I wasn’t passionate enough about English to continue teaching it forever, so I decided to put off the whole idea for a year. Jenni went ahead and contacted the folks at Appalachian for her own cohort, but she was diagnosed with cancer and had to postpone her graduate degree aspirations as well. As we fought the cancer, she kept telling me that I should go back to school for either counseling or sociology. I agreed to look into it when she was well and our finances improved, and the more I thought about it, the better a degree in counseling sounded. I could continue to work with troubled teens, perhaps even in the same school setting, but shed the mantle of English teacher.

Fast forward nearly two years, and now I find myself a widowed twenty six year old man in dire need of a change in circumstances. I love where I work, but I am growing more and more discontented in my current role there. I do love the kids, but I don’t love the subject area. I believe I would be a much more valuable member of the Catawba Valley High School staff if I could contribute as a guidance counselor rather than as a teacher.

And on a more sentimental note, I’d like to honor Jenni by accomplishing my part of the goal we set when we moved here.

My first version was long and rambled too much. This is the shortened version, and I really feel like it is probably too brief, but I just feel that brevity is more important right now for some reason. Let's hope they let me in...

Jenni's Birthday

2009-11-22T11:19:00.000-05:00

I couldn't exactly buy Jenni anything for her birthday this year, so I did what I thought she'd appreciate most: I dropped in on her dad to keep him company. I didn't tell him that I was coming. In fact, I intended to just pull into the parking lot of Wallace & Sons Tire Center just as he was closing up for the day... but I miscalculated how badly I'd be slowed down by Friday afternoon traffic in Charlotte.

Instead, I ended up barely making it in time to grab some dinner and catch the Tar Heels play Syracuse. Unfortunately, they lost... off to a terrible start in both halves... recovered pretty well in the first, but never quite caught up in the second half. Somehow, it felt appropriate that they'd lose on Jenni's birthday.

Jim and I spent Saturday riding around Rockingham and Southern Pines. We looked at flooring (something Jenni would have been a much better help with), looked at computers, tried to find the hobby shop where I used to play cards, and visited a Christian book store with a museum. That museum was interesting... more stuffed animals (real ones, not teddy bears) than I think I've ever seen in one place. And just before you leave, there's a wall with a bunch of sports memorabilia, including these two gems:

I'm not quite sure what the connection was between the sports stuff and the rest of the museum, but I'm not complaining.

Saturday was a much better day than Friday... less emotional... with the strange feeling that I'd weathered a storm and survived. But the season is far from over, and I'm still dreading December 10th. They say not to wish your life away, but I can't help wanting to skip this season. Thankfully, it isn't too much longer until January...