Crazy Teacher Musings

Crunch Time

2010-04-18T13:29:00.002-04:00

Okay, here's a quick post that will serve as much as a personal checklist as anything else. For those of you who think I've fallen off the face of the planet lately, this will explain quite a bit too. All of this stuff is due sometime between now and May 11th.

Three Reading Checks
Six Forum Posts
Create a Survey & Do Approval Paperwork
Meta-Analysis Project (Which is absolutely killing me, by the way)
AA/NA Meeting Paper
Diagnosis & Treatment Plan
Eight 2-3 Page Reaction Papers
5-7 Page 12-Step Plan Paper
Four Discussion Board Posts
A Ton of Wiki Contributions
Three Essay Assignments
Six Blogger Responses (estimate)
Contribute to Ethics Hearing Board Paper/Presentation
Huge Essay-Based Take-Home Exam

Yeah, I might have procrastinated a little...

Soul Searching (Continued)

2010-04-12T23:01:00.003-04:00

It has been several weeks since I've written anything, and I really shouldn't be writing this now considering how much work I have to do for my classes. But I don't feel like working (surprise, surprise), so I'm writing for myself (and anyone interested enough in me to read this junk) instead of for professors.

So for anyone who didn't know, last weekend I got a surge of spontaneity and decided to hit the road. For no other reason than that I've been to the north, east, and west already in the last month, I decided to head south. After riding for a couple of hours, I figured I should make a decision on a more specific destination... considered Miami for a bit, but eventually settled on Charleston. And my little vacation was alright... not great, but not terrible either. It was good to get away from Hickory for a while.

If nothing else, my spontaneous vacation gave me plenty of time to drive around, burn through my budget, and lose myself in thought. I did manage to get some work done for class while I was in Charleston, but the assignment required watching Good Will Hunting and it kind of threw me for a loop. Don't get me wrong... Good Will Hunting is an awesome movie. It's classified as a drama and I still like it. That alone speaks to its awesomeness. In fact, Good Will Hunting has one of my favorite movie scenes of all time:

However, as much as I like the movie, certain parts of the film are much more difficult to watch... much more thought provoking. This scene in particular is difficult for me right now:

WARNING: If profanity offends you, don't watch this clip.

I'm going to leave it at that... because if there is a character limit for blogger, I might reach it if I actually write all of this mess down. I mentioned the other day that it's a good thing nobody can read my mind, because they might think I'm unstable. I was joking at the time, but it might not be that far from the truth. Soul searching is good... but it sure hasn't made me feel any more stable lately.

I think I'm going to watch the movie again before I go to bed. Maybe I'm not unstable. Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment.

Soul Searching

2010-03-26T08:55:00.001-04:00

I barely slept at all last night, which doesn't bode well for my long drive(s) today. I'll survive, though. Surprisingly, it wasn't depression that kept me up. After the plummet of the last week or so, I feel like I might be on the verge of another upswing. Hopefully, I'll get back to feeling this good. Why the upswing? I'm not sure exactly... but I stumbled on this poem last night...

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

...and my reaction to it almost startled me. I found it to be more reassuring than depressing. Usually, poems like this are really depressing and just a little reassuring, but those feelings were transposed this time for some reason.

The name Jeremy Camp popped into my head late last night too, and I started listening to some of his music. I might not ever listen to it again just because it really isn't my style, but the guy's story is inspiring (especially to me). You can check it out here. What really struck me was how he seemed to use his pain to drive him. I haven't really done that... and I wonder how my life would be different if I let my emotions push me in positive directions instead of just letting them shut me down. I'd like to know what it feels like to be a "renewed man" as Jeremy Camp's website describes him. I'm going to be giving this some serious thought.

I'm not sure exactly what any of this will come to mean in the grand scheme of things... but I'll have plenty of time on the road today for soul searching.

A Year Without Jenni

2010-03-23T11:25:00.002-04:00

Well... it has been a long, tough year... and as strong as people claim that I am, I doubt I would have been able to do it without God and the people He has put in my life to rally around me. Thanks, everybody.

I feel like I should do some kind of tribute or something, but nothing seems appropriate or good enough. I wish I could collect the words of all the people whose lives she influenced and publish them somewhere. There is an odd mixture of pride, peace, and loss that wells up in me every time someone tells me about how much she meant to them, like "Yep, that's my girl" and "It's okay, her work was done" punctuated by a sharp pang of loneliness... impossible to accurately describe.

I keep trying to come up with what I would say in my contribution to such a collection, but again, nothing I write seems good enough. Perhaps the most powerful statement I can make is one that is succinct, something like:

When I desperately needed a fresh start with new friends, we befriended one another. When my belief in love was shaken, we fell in love. When I knew nothing of laughing in the face of hardship, we laughed together. When the odds were stacked against us, we fought them together. She taught me what "we" really meant.

But now there is no we... only me. I've spent a year now trying to figure out who I am without her, and I'm still struggling. It's strange how I wish she could tell me all the answers... and yet, if she could, I wouldn't need them.

Missing you, Jenni...

You've Gotta Be Kidding Me...

2010-03-20T21:56:00.000-04:00

Seriously? SERIOUSLY??? Carolina's next game is March 23rd at 9:00 PM? You have GOT to be kidding me...

I know I haven't written much this month. I haven't felt like talking about things much at all, and the few times I have felt like talking, I've been blessed to be able to talk to real people instead of just posting my thoughts on the blog. But tonight I felt like I needed to post something because the irony is just a little too bitter.

They just better not freakin' lose.

Trying to Look Gangsta? Try Again...

2010-02-28T07:40:00.001-05:00

There's nothing like a scrawny white kid trying to act gangsta. It has worked for some... just look at Eminem. But for most, the attempt blurs the line between embarrassing and amusing. For this kid, we'll call it embarrassing for him and amusing to everyone else.

see more Epic Fails

Where all my Twilight thugs at?!?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Facepalm Central

2010-02-23T08:07:00.002-05:00

Well, it is Tuesday... and I just realized that my IQ must have dropped over the last week or so. Among other mistakes too embarrassing to list here, the week's stupidity includes:

Freaking out because I thought Lenoir Rhyne kicked me out of my classes for not paying tuition. I couldn't see my classes on LAMP (which is similar to Blackboard for those not "in the know"). Then I checked my bill... not due until the 28th.
Calling the tech people at Lenoir Rhyne because I couldn't see those classes, only to find out that Google Chrome isn't a supported browser. If I had just tried it in Firefox, I would have been fine... and that's usually the first thing I check when I'm having trouble with a website. For a self-proclaimed net-nerd like me, that crap is embarrassing.
Trying to go to the gym in the middle of the day KNOWING that there are fifty million people in there. There are reasons I go in the middle of the night or really early in the morning.
Giving Josh a hard time about a timeout getting called during our game Friday when it was, in fact, my player who called it.
Trying to edit the video of the basketball game when I knew good and well that there's a computer applications II class at CVHS that I could have gotten to do the work for me. Since I never completely finished, I plan on correcting this mistake over the next few days.
Completely missing a quiz for one of my classes that was worth ten points of my final grade. So much for that A.

I could keep going, but I won't.

Smile, make fun of myself, laugh a little, and tackle today as if I didn't screw anything up yesterday. That's a good way to start each morning, right?

You Know You're a Die Hard Carolina Fan When...

2010-02-19T14:28:00.002-05:00

When the Heels are 3-8 in ACC play and these are still really tempting...

And when you've had several conversations over the last few days about how our beloved Heels might spring back and win the ACC tournament...

Here's hoping for a miracle...

Refocusing

2010-02-16T16:14:00.000-05:00

Well, I've vented quite enough over the last few days through my blog. It's time I stopped and refocused myself, so I apologize for the negativity that I've been consumed with lately. I hope I didn't drag anybody down with me, because I sure wouldn't wish the funk I was in on anyone. Other than that, this is just a random update...

I finally completed my substitute teaching paperwork, so I should be back at CVHS next week sometime assuming somebody calls in sick. I'll need the money, and being around the kids usually keeps me in a good mood. But substitutes have very few responsibilities compared to full time teachers, so I should be able to work fairly often without the take-home work and the headaches.
The aplacetotalk basketball tournament is this Friday! My guys could use a cheering section...
Eric told me to look up G.R.I.T.S. on YouTube today. I can't say that I like them. But I did click through a few related videos links and stumbled on "My Clothes, My Hair" by The Ambassador and I did like that. I haven't looked though much of his other music, but even if that's the only song I enjoy, at least it's something relatively new that I like (considering how dissatisfied I've been with current rap music).

VD Sucks

2010-02-15T02:55:00.001-05:00

No, not venereal disease... although I'm sure that isn't pleasant either. I can't remember the last time I had a problem with Valentine's Day... even VD 2003 (the last one I can think of that would have been negative) must not have been all that bad because I can't remember it at all. But this Valentine's Day weekend, I've been more than a little down. That sucks considering how good last weekend was, but I kind of expected it. I let depression take over and didn't follow any of my New Years Resolutions... I ate like a pig, didn't get out much, and didn't do much work for class at all. I spent quite a bit of time just listening to music, playing minesweeper, and thinking.

I even skipped hanging out with my church folks tonight. I recognize the need to be around people when I get this lonely, but I just couldn't shake the idea that being the odd guy hanging out with three happy couples would just make my evening even worse... so I stayed at home. But it did get me thinking about how blessed I have been to have those three couples in my life. It is common for surviving spouses* to feel abandoned by their married friends, but I have never had that feeling. I don't know how to adequately thank Josh & Chantae, John & Hilary, Jeremiah & Tamara. Perhaps someday I'll get the chance to do something truly meaningful for them in return for treating me so well (even overlooking my sometimes-crude sarcasm).

I've actually had a lot more than that on my mind this weekend, but I'm still sorting through the rest of it. I'll share more as things solidify. For now, I'm just glad this particular holiday is over. Here's hoping the rest of February shapes up to be as good as the first week and a half.

Random Side Note: Inglourious Basterds is not the kind of movie that will cheer you up. I thought some dark humor might suit my mood, but it turns out that I judged the book by its cover (or the movie by its preview) and came up wrong. Despite hilarious commercials, the movie just isn't that funny at all. Every funny part is in the previews and the rest of the movie is either boring or just plain depressing. Granted, it's a different kind of depressing than "I'm alone on Valentine's Day," but it's still depressing. Don't make the mistake of thinking you'll feel better after watching it.

* "Surviving spouse" sounds odd, but I just can't call myself a widower. If a widow is a woman whose husband has died, the widower should be the one who created the widow... or at least did something with her. I didn't create a widow or do anything with/to a widow. It just doesn't make sense to add the -er suffix. The English language is so strange sometimes... and only an English teacher would be strange enough to take issue with something like this... go figure...

Things Are Looking Up

2010-02-06T08:15:00.001-05:00

Over the last few weeks, a lot of things have come together to improve my general state of being and rejuvenate me. I still miss Jenni... but I'm finally starting to come out of the shell I've kept myself in for the last 11 months. And just like everyone told me, I've had to force myself to get out. Setting a few New Years resolutions and actually trying to stick to them has really helped... even though I have really only felt half-successful, I've at least been working at them. I'm out and about more, I've been reading for class now that I'm focusing on college, and I've lost a few pounds. I can't claim victory yet, but at least I've won the first few battles.

Among the things picking me up...

I've reestablished a ton of old connections with people I haven't talked to in years. Granted, many of these have just been Facebook chats and/or phone calls, but touching base with old friends has been good for me.
Even though leaving CVHS was tough, the reactions of my coworkers and students has been positive. It may sound strange and even a bit selfish, but it feels good to know that I'm missed. I hope things work out so that I'll be able to return in the fall as a counselor.
I'm coaching basketball again, something I'm really not good at but that I enjoy immensely.
I skipped ahead in one of my counseling books and read everything on death and grieving. I didn't really think I was ready for it, but I did it anyway... and I think it helped more than it hurt.

In any case, I've started having these moments of actual happiness. They're fleeting, and I still feel kind of numb most of the time, but just that they're happening has to be a good sign. Next month (maybe even next weekend), I might be looking back at this post thinking about how crazy I must have been to think things were looking up, but I guess that's okay. For now, I'm just enjoying the fresh air. If I need to hide in the shell again, at least I'll be less apprehensive about re-emerging next time.

Funny Websites

2010-02-04T08:04:00.002-05:00

I've been a fan of failblog.org ever since Layne pointed it out to me some time ago. It is a great way to spend time laughing at stupid mistakes people have made. My personal favorite failblog.org video at the moment is this guy. I'd like to know if he managed to get out without help... OUCH...

Last night, Lyndsey pointed me to another great website: www.peopleofwalmart.com. As you can imagine, it is hilarious. However, it is not for the faint of heart. If you are frightened by mullets or scantily clad (ugly) women, do not follow that link! If you can overcome your disgust enough to roll around in the floor laughing, ENJOY!

Lil Wayne = Proof of Rap Music's Decline

2010-02-03T08:10:00.002-05:00

[Begin Rant]

Ever since late high school, my interest in music has slowly but steadily been drifting away from rap. Have I found something I like more? Not really. I still enjoy 90's rap more than any other era/genre of music. The problem is that I have been woefully unimpressed with so many songs that have been released in the last decade... and disgusted with the stupidity of so many of the most popular artists of recent years.

I miss the days when rappers actually showed a little bit of intelligence. How about the vocabulary and extended rhymes we got from 2pac?

"let me start of with my conversation, hoping my information alleviates the hesitation" (apparently, elyrics.net didn't learn the vocabulary lesson... their page shows eleviates instead of alleviates... pathetic)
"the anticipation of love makin' got you shakin' when I'm standin' near ya"
"driven by my ambition, desire higher positions so I proceed to make G's eternally, and my mission is to be more than just a rap musician, the elevation of today's generation if I can make 'em listen"

Lil Wayne is a perfect example of how stupidity has crept in. It has always been there, but not usually from artists whose songs consistently top the charts. I happened to hear "Let it Rock" last night and actually took the time to think about a few of the things Lil Wayne said...

"big a** rocks like on the ground" - You're a real genius there, Mr. Wayne. Nice simile. Big rocks... like the ones on the ground... whoah... I'm blown away by your lyrical skillz.
"period, like the remainda" - Brilliant! Well, except for one thing... there aren't any periods involved when you calculate the remainder. If I remember correctly, that's second grade math.

Obviously, our education system failed this poor sap. Comparing Lil Wayne to 2pac isn't quite fair, though. Pac had songs that were meaningful and popular... if Wayne has any meaningful songs at all, they're hidden somewhere far away from his hit singles (which have been garbage). And 2pac never made similes a significant part of his lyrics, so it is difficult to find direct comparisons when I'm mainly pointing out how Lil Wayne's similes just don't make sense. I wouldn't want to insult the man and support my insult by comparing apples to oranges. So who makes significant use of similes and actually uses them effectively? Ludacris...

you punks pucker and pout, bicker and babble, now they all lost for words like I beat 'em in Scrabble
ya'll got it all wrong like women in tuxedos, and comin' up shorter than five Danny Devitos

These similes actually make sense, and there's even a little alliteration thrown in for good measure. Best of all, Ludacris is popular enough and current enough to displace Lil Wayne's flooding of radio airtime. So when is Luda going to come out with another big hit so I'll have a reason to listen to a rap station again? Not soon enough...

Here's hoping for a rap renaissance that brings intelligence and social issues to the forefront. Seriously, let's at least bring intelligence and social issues back into the picture...

[End Rant]

January is That Magical Month...

2010-02-01T08:46:00.000-05:00

...for me getting sinus infections. And I really thought that I had avoided it this year until I started sniffling and sneezing yesterday morning. How ironic is it that I started eating better and then got sick? Of course, this is the sinus trouble that hits me every single year sometime in January and then again in August. I guess I should be used to it by now.

I guess the best part is that I'm unemployed now, so I don't have to worry about calling in sick or suffering through a day of work. I hope I'll be able to shake this quickly, because I'm still behind on all that I need to do and getting sick doesn't motivate me to get things done any faster.

Just a Procrastinating Student Again...

2010-01-30T12:10:00.000-05:00

The last week has been busy but frustratingly unproductive.

I still don't have all of my student loans in place. This stems from the fact that I filled out all of my FAFSA information using my 2009 info and then realized that everything I put together for that is useless until summer school. Apparently, I need my 2008 tax info for the spring 2010 semester... and as much as I've been digging through the house, I haven't been able to find it. I sent the guy who does my taxes an email hoping that he keeps records, so hopefully I'll have this remedied soon.
I've fallen behind in my classes (like I knew I would) and it has been a struggle trying to get caught back up. There's a ton of reading, and the research methods class is a killer if you're mathematically handicapped like me.
Of the nine players on my basketball team, I had four come to practice Wednesday and only three on Thursday. Not only is that pathetic... it makes for four hours of my life that I could have spent doing more productive things (like catching up on classwork).
And I have to end with a confession. Like always, when I feel like I'm overloaded, I have managed to make matters worse by taking breaks that are too frequent and too lengthy. Thus, as much as I want to complain about being so busy, the situation wouldn't be so bad if the procrastinator in me wasn't working so hard to show himself. Ironic, huh? Procrastinator... working hard... sorry, corny sense of humor...

On a brighter note, I have managed to start eating a bit healthier lately. I'm down five pounds now that I'm back on the old "diet." No fried food, no soft drinks, and eating cereal for snacks... it works. I did cheat and drink a 20 oz. Sun Drop yesterday, but otherwise I've been sticking to it for the last week or so.

Now that I've updated, it's back to working on blogger responses, forum posts, and short essays for my classes... wish me luck...

An Old Favorite Returns

2010-01-26T17:44:00.000-05:00

My last post was very serious and thought provoking, but today I want to share something a little more light-hearted. This has been one of my favorite shirts for years, but I haven't been able to wear it recently without feeling like a liar:

Fortunately, now it can rejoin my t-shirt collection.

Defining Myself

2010-01-24T23:54:00.002-05:00

Forgive me ahead of time if this makes very little sense... it isn't making a whole lot of sense to me, either, and that's why I'm writing it out.

A few days ago, a friend of mine at work said, "You don't want to be seen as 'that guy whose wife died' forever." That statement really stuck with me for some reason and I haven't been able to get it off of my mind. Honestly, that's how I've seen myself for almost a year now... and while I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing (because, after all, I am that guy), I wonder sometimes how long it will take me to stop thinking of myself that way.

I was once a husband and a caregiver... now I'm a widower... but I'm also a teacher (temporarily), a friend, a son, a student, etc. I've been thinking about the emphasis I put on each of these, and I've got to admit that widower comes first. When I think about who I am, the first thing that always comes to mind is, "Well, I used to be married to this great gal... but I guess now I'm alone." I think it is natural to define oneself by the tragedies we've faced, but at what point does it become unhealthy? At what point should I start seeing myself as "just me" rather than "that guy whose wife died last year"?

This whole issue of thinking about how much the events of 2009 have had on how I identify myself came to a head this afternoon while I was chatting online. It is interesting how something like Facebook can make a person reexamine himself. An old friend from high school, one I haven't spoken to in eight years or so, sent me a message saying, "Your wife is beautiful." I think my jaw hit the floor. In my self-centered little world, I just assumed that everyone knew... but she didn't. She couldn't have known. She hadn't spoken to me in years and she just saw on my profile that I was married, looked at my pictures, and gave Jenni a compliment.

After I explained the situation and did my best to make sure she didn't feel horrible for the mistake, I went into my profile and tried to change my relationship status to "widowed." The first thing I noticed was the little message that says, "Your relationship will be cancelled upon saving." I'm not sure why, but the word cancelled just struck me as really... horrible, I guess... can't think of a better word at the moment. And the program doesn't keep "widowed" in the box either... it changes to "single" automatically... which doesn't describe how I feel either.

I really want to change it to "It's Complicated" because if it won't let me say widowed, then complicated is a lot closer to the truth than either married or single. Of course, the "It's Complicated" option requires a confirmation from Jenni, who obviously can't confirm. The whole durned thing is complicated... and really, I don't guess it matters too much in the long run what my relationship status says on Facebook. I just really don't want to go through that explanation again... but I don't want to change my status to "single" and have people think I'm back on the market either. Then again, it might be less emotionally taxing to explain that I'm not looking for a relationship than it was to explain how the flight of my life entered a nosedive back in March '09... it will at least come up less often...

I don't know. I'm leaving it as is for now.

I should have been working on school stuff, but I've been writing this instead. I'm so far behind now that I don't know how I'll make it through tomorrow without something being late... but I had to sort out my thoughts a bit... and perhaps someone will leave me some profound piece of advice to help me sort this out.

aplacetotalk Basketball Tournament

2010-01-22T23:49:00.000-05:00

The regular season is over, and the CVHS guys finished with a record of 3-1. Next Friday, January 29th, will be the season finale: a single elimination tournament. The first game is at 6:00 and the last game is at 10:00. We were ranked 3rd at the end of the season (technically tied for second but we lost the coin flip after going all the way down the tiebreaker options). We'll play at 7:00, 9:00, and 10:00 if we continue winning.

I want to say again how proud I am of my players. Most of them have handled adversity on the court with good sportsmanship and maturity. I hope that we will get to keep the team going and continue playing in the future...

Tournament Schedule (the last date on the schedule is incorrect... we play on the 29th as stated above)

Midway Through Two Weeks of Craziness

2010-01-18T09:14:00.002-05:00

Crazy time has officially started... taking a full load of graduate courses and teaching at the same time... and I have a ton of work that I should be doing, but I'm not going to touch it until Monday morning. How's that for good time management? (Yeah, I wrote this Saturday and forgot to post it... ooops!)

On Friday, I looked around my classroom just before I left for the weekend and thought about never teaching again. Technically, I'm still a teacher for another week, but that's just four exam days and a teacher workday. The thought of never teaching again was a little saddening but a relief at the same time. I'm not sure what I'll do about this blog... I might just add a subtitle... something like "NOT ANYMORE!" right under Crazy Teacher Musings. Of course, I'm still a little crazy, but I'll only be a teacher for another week so I've got to do something...

Other random stuff:

I've missed two second halves this week. It sucks to see the Heels play so badly in the first half that I don't even want to watch the second.
The ticklish video has almost 4000 hits! Happy birthday, Mama!
I'm actually going to try to stay connected with people on Facebook from now on. I signed on a few weeks ago and had to catch up on 40+ old messages. While I was on, I got to catch up with some folks that I haven't talked to in ages... and discussed the next bullet point with Jeremy (one of those people I haven't talked to in forever).
I'm hoping to have a bunch of folks over for UFC 109, but it's the same weekend as the Super Bowl, so I'm not sure how many people will show. And I need to fix the big chair in the living room before I have company over...
My basketball team is 3-0 now, and despite some issues with fouling and attitudes, I'm proud of them. This has been a great experience so far.

At Least I'm Not as Stressed as I Was in Spring '06

2010-01-13T08:55:00.001-05:00

I didn't think I'd have time to write this week, but the morning's events conspired to give me a day off. First of all, I overslept and woke up right about the time I usually leave for work. That shouldn't be a huge deal because I'm usually one of the first in the building. When I sleep late, it just means that I have to rush to get ready but I still usually beat most of my colleagues to school. Not today... today I hopped in the shower, got ice cold water for about two seconds, and then no water at all... FROZEN PIPES!

I didn't realize that it got down into the low twenties last night, so I didn't leave a faucet dripping like I usually do... and now I'm sitting around, feeling gross because I can't take a shower, waiting for my pipes to thaw. UGH! What a day this is shaping up to be already...

I really needed the day off, though. This past week has been hectic and things won't slow down at all until the 25th. I have entirely too much on my plate right now, with basketball (which could be very casual but I turned it into a bigger deal than it had to be by scheduling practices), my counseling classes, and teaching all vying for my time.

Every time I start to feel overwhelmed, though, I just think back to the spring of '06. Back then, I was working as the resident director of West Hall, student teaching at Richmond Senior High, and making the drive to Duke to be with Jenni as often as possible... and somehow, I survived that. I was stressed out beyond belief, but God saw me through it.

I felt like a failure much of that last semester of college, and I probably would have had a nervous breakdown if not for Jenni, my mom, and Ms. Clewis (among others) continually assuring me that I was doing the best that I could given the circumstances. I feel like a failure pretty often nowadays as well, but I'm hoping that the big turnaround that I'm working on right now (transitioning from high school teacher --> college student) will improve that.

Trying to stay positive...

I've just barely started my classes, but they don't seem like they'll be too tough (although I might live to eat those words over the next few months).
Only two more lesson plans to write, some make-up work to grade, and exam week... then teaching will be a thing of the past.
Basketball is fun. It has become much more time consuming than I intended, but that's more my fault than anyone else's.

Holidays Suck, 2010 Resolutions, and Looking Ahead

2010-01-01T00:01:00.007-05:00

I don't know if I can accurately express how crappy Christmas has been this year, but I guess it was just the capstone on what I can easily describe as the worst year of my life thus far.

I won't waste more space than that talking about how depressed I've been lately. Onward we go.

2010 has one thing going for it already. It has to be better than 2009. So as I look forward, I'm doing my best to do so with optimism. I'm trusting that God will turn things around for me this year and make me feel useful again. In losing Jenni, I lost a wife and best friend, but I also lost a great deal of my purpose in life. While I'm still unsure of how best to deal with the loneliness, I think God has led me to my new purpose... and I'm looking forward to getting started at Lenoir Rhyne in a few weeks. A degree in counseling will (hopefully) lead me into a more purposeful existence.

Okay, so the new year is beginning, and this one will be better than the last. I've never really made New Years resolutions with any conviction to actually accomplish them, but this year I'm actually going to try. I have three:

Get out of the house more. While I'm a homebody at heart and would prefer to be here, I recognize the need to be out and about more. I've missed more family gatherings, opportunities to hang out with friends, and opportunities to have fun than I'd like to admit this year... all in the name of either school work or depression.
Read for class. After the first semester of my freshman year in college, I never bought books for classes. I was intelligent enough to pass without the reading material. Honestly, I think the biggest problem was being a guy in a girl-dominated subject area. Pride and Prejudice? Romeo and Juliet? Wuthering Heights? HECK NO! This counseling stuff, though, actually interests me... and even when it doesn't, I intend to force myself to read it anyway.
Get back in shape. I don't necessarily need to be in the same shape I was in when I was in high school. I'd be satisfied with the shape I was in back in the spring and summer of '07. Under 200 lbs and not embarrassed to step on the basketball court... those were the good old days. I just need to get back on my old diet: no soft drinks... no fried food... eat Cheerios if I'm hungry and it isn't mealtime. Other than those rules, I ate whatever I wanted and lost 40 lbs in six months. Hopefully I can replicate that success in 2010.

That's all for today, folks. Happy New Year and all that.

Has It Really Been a Month?

2009-12-20T11:55:00.002-05:00

Well, not quite... but pretty close... and it has been a hard one. If I elaborated on everything that has happened this month, this post would be entirely too long, so I'll just hit the highlights and try to write on a more regular basis from now on.

I finally received my acceptance letter from Lenoir Rhyne, and I've had the opportunity to meet with my advisor already. Classes start on January 12th. I'll be taking four classes: COU 525 (Professional and Ethical Issues), EDU 505 (Research Methodology and Practicum), EDU 506 (Child, Individual, and Family Development), and COU 583 (Addictions Counseling). At least, that's assuming they don't fill up before my paperwork gets to the registrar. Dr. Wood acted like I was crazy for taking so many, but I explained that I needed this change to take place quickly so I can get out of the classroom and she let me do it. I can't wait to get started...

My wedding anniversary hit me like a brick. I asked for the day off months ago, but I ended up taking off the following day as well... and I really didn't feel like going back on Monday either. When I returned on Monday, though, I found my room much cleaner than when I left. Everything was neatly organized, and I found this on my keyboard:

We'll have to work on that grammar, but these are the moments that make working with kids more rewarding than anything else in the world. There was apparently another card from another class, but I never received it. Apparently, the students gave it to another teacher to give it to me and it disappeared. Still, the idea that my students found out why I wasn't there (still not sure who told them) and took the time to show their concern is flattering. They really aren't bad kids... they just have really bad circumstances and really bad habits.

I've found some comfort in following the train of thought I was following in this old post. Whenever I start feeling really depressed, I try to do something that Jenni would have wanted me to do. Sometimes it is as dramatic as driving down to Rockingham to visit her dad and sometimes it is as simple as actually folding my laundry instead of tossing it in a pile... but it always makes me feel a little better. This means that Judge's is back in the rotation.

In addition to adding Judge's BBQ back into the restaurant rotation, I've also started visiting the Brown Sugar Cafe. It's run by the family of a lady I work with at CVHS and they have great food: especially the macaroni & cheese and potato salad. And to top it off, their tea is better than Bojangles. Jenni would love this place. It reminds me of Pat's Kitchen in Rockingham. My only complaint about this restaurant is that it doesn't have a website I can link to! It would be great advertising, and if they go through services like Google they can get their own domain name for as cheap as $9.99/year. That's all www.crazyteachermusings.com costs me. Oh well, website or not, it's a great place to eat.

Currently, I'm "snowed in." Technically I'm not, but getting out would require more effort than I'm willing to put forth, so I'm claiming to be. I haven't done any shopping at all except for getting presents for Ali and Hunter, and I probably wouldn't have even bought theirs yet if the Wallaces hadn't planned on exchanging gifts this weekend. The snow put those plans on hold, and it has also put my shopping on hold. I normally start at the beginning of winter break and finish sometime on Christmas Eve, and I'm already two days into break without anything accomplished. I'm having a hard time finding any real enjoyment in the season this year, though, so keep me in your prayers. I don't think I've ever dreaded Christmas before, but I guess there's a first time for everything.

Sorry for the long post... this is what happens when bloggers get so caught up in trying to survive in the real world that we can't take the time to write.

Counseling Program Essay

2009-11-23T20:20:00.000-05:00

The last time I wrote an essay for a college application, I wrote something like, "I applied for the teaching fellows scholarship and I want to go to school at Pembroke." I was one cocky sonuvagun back when I was applying at UNCP. In some ways, I still am... but this essay seemed more important, so I took more time on it. Now that it is complete, I want to share it. This is the essay I attached to my Lenoir Rhyne application:

I’ve been teaching English for nearly four years now, but my passion has never really been for literature or grammar. I appreciate fine literature and I scowl at poorly formed sentences, but these seem trivial compared to the work I want to do: help troubled teens on a more personal level. When my wife Jenni and I moved to Hickory, we came for two reasons: it was my hometown and Hickory Public Schools was paying for graduate courses. We had every intention of joining Appalachian graduate cohorts and pursuing our master’s degrees as we continued teaching. She began working at Grandview Middle School, while I snatched up a position at Catawba Valley High.

When it came time to apply for college, though, I just couldn’t bring myself to go back to school for a master’s degree in English or in education. I loved working with teens, but I wasn’t passionate enough about English to continue teaching it forever, so I decided to put off the whole idea for a year. Jenni went ahead and contacted the folks at Appalachian for her own cohort, but she was diagnosed with cancer and had to postpone her graduate degree aspirations as well. As we fought the cancer, she kept telling me that I should go back to school for either counseling or sociology. I agreed to look into it when she was well and our finances improved, and the more I thought about it, the better a degree in counseling sounded. I could continue to work with troubled teens, perhaps even in the same school setting, but shed the mantle of English teacher.

Fast forward nearly two years, and now I find myself a widowed twenty six year old man in dire need of a change in circumstances. I love where I work, but I am growing more and more discontented in my current role there. I do love the kids, but I don’t love the subject area. I believe I would be a much more valuable member of the Catawba Valley High School staff if I could contribute as a guidance counselor rather than as a teacher.

And on a more sentimental note, I’d like to honor Jenni by accomplishing my part of the goal we set when we moved here.

My first version was long and rambled too much. This is the shortened version, and I really feel like it is probably too brief, but I just feel that brevity is more important right now for some reason. Let's hope they let me in...

Jenni's Birthday

2009-11-22T11:19:00.000-05:00

I couldn't exactly buy Jenni anything for her birthday this year, so I did what I thought she'd appreciate most: I dropped in on her dad to keep him company. I didn't tell him that I was coming. In fact, I intended to just pull into the parking lot of Wallace & Sons Tire Center just as he was closing up for the day... but I miscalculated how badly I'd be slowed down by Friday afternoon traffic in Charlotte.

Instead, I ended up barely making it in time to grab some dinner and catch the Tar Heels play Syracuse. Unfortunately, they lost... off to a terrible start in both halves... recovered pretty well in the first, but never quite caught up in the second half. Somehow, it felt appropriate that they'd lose on Jenni's birthday.

Jim and I spent Saturday riding around Rockingham and Southern Pines. We looked at flooring (something Jenni would have been a much better help with), looked at computers, tried to find the hobby shop where I used to play cards, and visited a Christian book store with a museum. That museum was interesting... more stuffed animals (real ones, not teddy bears) than I think I've ever seen in one place. And just before you leave, there's a wall with a bunch of sports memorabilia, including these two gems:

I'm not quite sure what the connection was between the sports stuff and the rest of the museum, but I'm not complaining.

Saturday was a much better day than Friday... less emotional... with the strange feeling that I'd weathered a storm and survived. But the season is far from over, and I'm still dreading December 10th. They say not to wish your life away, but I can't help wanting to skip this season. Thankfully, it isn't too much longer until January...

Hasn't Been a Great Day...

2009-11-15T22:44:00.000-05:00

or week... or month... or year, for that matter. I'm more than a little depressed at the moment. I spent the majority of the day digging through drawers and closets looking for my teaching license. I need to find it and send a copy to Lenoir Rhyne to finish up my application, and the best I could find was the old one that expired last summer.

I managed to dig up a ton of old memories while rummaging through the house today, but the real kicker was a little memory stick in the nightstand on Jenni's side of the bed. I plugged it into the computer and found that it was literally full of old pictures. Jenni wasn't in most of them. She was usually the one taking the pictures, but remembering all of these times has been... well, we'll just say it's been emotional... maybe it will help to share some of these memories.

Jenni and I kept Hunter and Ali for a week every summer since we've been married. We might have missed one, I think, but it's a tradition I tried to keep going last summer even without Jenni. This pic was taken at Hickory Dickory Dock just a few weeks after we bought our house in Hickory. Ali was there, too, but she had her head turned away from the camera in every picture so I'm just using this one.

This was taken right after Lindsey's wedding. I don't specifically remember this instance, but I can bet you I started pulling off dress clothes as soon as we got in the car and managed to be back in my t-shirt and basketball shorts attire before we even got home. It that night was like every other night I had to dress up and go somewhere, Jenni was rolling her eyes and laughing at me the whole way home.

Jenni and Maddie... this was at homecoming (Beverly Hills Baptist Church), I think. This picture is insanely blurry, but it is one of the few on the memory stick that Jenni didn't take herself.

This is Maddie on 9200, playing with Jenni through the glass because she couldn't come in. I'm a little upset that I didn't get Jenni in the photo, but if I recall correctly, this was one of the visits when the doctors had her on high doses of prednisone. If I'm correct, that means Jenni's cheeks were swollen up like a chipmunk's, and she'd have been telling me not to get her in the photo.

This was at one of the beach trips with Matt & Val. I believe this was the trip when Jenni bought a box of cards and we drafted each night we were there. She always claimed to suck, but I believe she won each one of those drafts without much difficulty.

Remember the birthday party from last year that I described a few weeks ago? This was the cake Jenni got for me that night. I was a lucky man until March. Now Jenni's birthday is coming up... not sure what I'll do this year.

Yeah... that didn't really make me feel any better. I think I'll go to bed now. Sweet dreams?

Lazy Sunday Morning

2009-11-08T10:20:00.001-05:00

How do you know you've gotten too fat?

I'll tell you how... when you wash all of the shirts you've been wearing recently but forget to move them to the dryer, then wake up Sunday morning and try to fit into some older shirts... and realize that everything you owned a year ago fits like spandex.

My shirts are in the dryer now. Hopefully they'll be dry in time to get to church. I'm not going in pseudo-spandex. And now, with a basketball tournament coming up in January and a bunch of t-shirts that don't fit anymore, I think it's time to get serious about getting back in shape.

There's only one problem with getting back in shape, though. I've decided to visit Judge's BBQ more often. It used to be at the top of my list of places to eat in Hickory, so Jenni and I used to eat there pretty regularly. Strange as it may sound, one of my favorite dinners consists of BBQ from Judge's with Sticky Fingers sauce that Jenni bought me last year for Christmas. I almost completely stopped going to Judge's after Jenni died. It brought back memories that I was avoiding. But the other day, I realized that the Sticky Fingers sauce Jenni bought me will eventually go bad... and I need to use it.

So last night, I got takeout. The girl at the drive through even recognized me... probably from my order. Who else goes to a BBQ place and says he doesn't need any sauce? I brought the food home, poured on some Sticky Fingers Carolina Classic sauce, and made it through the meal without feeling depressed. It almost felt like Jenni was there with me. Maybe she was. I sort of felt like I was doing her a favor... enjoying one of the last gifts she gave me before it was too late to use it at all. It was strangely comforting. I don't know how else to describe it.

And now, here I am setting two contradictory goals: get more takeout from Judge's and work on getting back in shape. Jenni would be laughing at me for this, I'm sure. "How exactly do you plan on eating out more and losing weight at the same time?"

We'll see how it goes.

'Tis the Season

2009-10-31T18:06:00.003-04:00

I've been dreading this time of year, and this weekend officially kicked it off. My birthday, Jenni's birthday, Thanksgiving, our anniversary, and then Christmas all line up neatly over the next few months. Celebrating anything, even when there are people around, still feels like I'm celebrating alone. It just doesn't feel right.

If the loneliness had turned a bit dull, it has certainly sharpened of late. A year ago today, at around this time, friends and family were showing up at the house for the best birthday party I've ever been thrown. Who else has a wife who would take the time to organize a Magic tournament in his living room? I was a lucky man. I am still a lucky man to have had her in my life as long as she was...

I think I'll order a pizza and then pretend I'm not home when trick or treaters come by. Maybe I can find something to do to keep my mind off of things. Jenni would pitch a fit if she saw the house so unkempt. Maybe I'll spend some time trying to remedy that...

Rough Week and Weekend

2009-10-19T19:29:00.000-04:00

I don't know exactly what it was about last week that had me in the dumps, but I know why Friday was so tough. It had a lot to do with Late Night With Roy on Friday. Jenni and I only went twice, but we sure enjoyed each one... and while the thought of going was enticing, the thought of going without Jenni just didn't sit right. So while I made tentative plans to go anyway, it bothered me all week long and I ended up sitting around the house just playing around on the internet. Between catching up on the last week of posts on tarheelblue.com, writing a little for outsydergaming.com (and subsequently scrapping it for being terrible), and catching up on all of the forums I run my mouth in, I happened across a post about a Lee Ann Womack song.

I was actually reading this post on Donna's blog. I don't really know Donna, although I have met her once. I just happened upon her blog by clicking Josh's blogger profile and noticed the link to her at the bottom. In any case, the song ("I Hope You Dance") is exactly what I imagine Jenni telling me to do, but I don't feel like I've been too successful so far. Of course, the dancing part is just a metaphor. "Homey don't dance" still applies here.

All joking aside, though, I'm not "dancing" at all. Very little truly excites me. Work feels like drudgery. Home is comfortable, but lonely. Before school started, I was at least managing to get my mind off of things with games, but school has pushed all gaming to the side. This is why I have to get into this counseling program at Lenoir Rhyne. I feel like all I'm doing now is spinning wheels... and something's got to give.

I do have most of my application finished. I'm waiting for LR to receive my transcripts and GRE scores. If I could quit teaching now and start counseling classes, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Here's to hoping I get to start in January...

Mid-Week Ramblings

2009-10-14T20:35:00.000-04:00

I'm usually fast asleep right about now. Over the last week and a half, I've gotten myself into a strange sleeping schedule. I was exhausted after football practice the Sunday before last, fell asleep around 3 PM, and slept about 10 hours. Then I woke up around 1 AM and (big surprise) couldn't get back to sleep... so I worked on school stuff for five straight hours. Yeah, I had that much to do. What is really amazing is how much work I get done in the wee hours of the morning. Who would have thought? There is nothing to do at 2 AM so there aren't any distractions. There isn't even anything on TV except for infomercials. Unfortunately, I've been pretty much stuck on this sleep schedule for a week now. Occasionally, I'll set my alarm to get up at a specific time (like last Wednesday for Ultimate Fighter), but then I just go straight back to bed and wake up at 2 or 3 AM again.

Other than being awake at all kinds of weird hours, I've been involved in an interesting conversation about Christians and the public schools. If you haven't kept up, it started on Josh's blog and then migrated here before continuing here. I'm enjoying the exchange. Even though Michael and I have quite different viewpoints, we're both concerned with the same thing: the welfare of young folks.

As I mentioned in part two of that conversation, though, it is awkward trying to communicate effectively when the conversation is spread out over several web pages and over a dozen comments. As soon as I find the time, I'd like to set up some forums for www.crazyteachermusings.com. It would be cool to post a link to a forum thread each time I post something with conversation starting potential. Unfortunately, I have no experience whatsoever in setting up my own forums and I also don't have a lot of time to figure it out. Sometime soon, I'll do a little google searching and see if I can find something simple.

I've also been flirting with the idea of going back to school. Yeah, I know I said that I didn't want to. I just know that I need a new angle for this education thing. Whether that means teaching a different subject or getting a whole new degree, I'm not sure yet... but I'm working on figuring it out. However, I'm pretty excited about Lenoir Rhyne's graduate program for counseling and I'm getting together transcripts, GRE scores, and reference letters so that I can complete my application. Things seem to be falling into place too perfectly, so I'm trying not to get my hopes up... but I can't help it. This will be a major leap for me, so keep me in your prayers. As I go through the application process and find out more, I'll keep posting updates.

I also received a mention in October's issue of The Water Cooler, our school system's monthly newsletter... and found myself extremely embarrassed. Just before the end of my planning period, I received an email asking for a short blurb about my class website. I quickly threw something together and sent it back. The next day, I get a little ribbing at school about being famous and read the newsletter to see what they're talking about. And what do I find??? A GRAMMAR ERROR! I find that I make mistakes on crazyteachermusings.com all the time, but most of my readers here are friends and family so it doesn't bother me too much. I rarely proofread anything before I post it here. But knowing that I, the only English teacher at CVHS, left a typo in a document that was distributed to all of the teachers and faculty in the system... that's embarrassing.

That's everything new that I can think of at the moment. I'm trying to get back to a normal sleeping schedule tonight. If I can stay up until Ultimate Fighter comes on, I'll be up until 11 and then (hopefully) get my schedule lined up with the rest of the world again. Let's hope I make it until then without nodding off...

Beauty in Simplicity

2009-10-11T15:33:00.000-04:00

Sometimes just looking up is awe inspiring. Kids, don't try this at home... or, uhhh, on the road in this case... but I couldn't help myself.

I just wish my phone camera was actually powerful enough to capture how beautiful the sky was last night. These images don't do it justice.

Christians in Public Schools Part II

2009-10-09T23:09:00.000-04:00

...continuing the conversation from here. This conversation has been a little awkward for several reasons. For one, my audience is split. I'm talking to Michael, but with the knowledge that there are other readers who are interested in this conversation. Secondly, there is so much I want to say that I keep slipping into stream of conscience style. Please forgive me for that. Lastly, it seems more than a little disjointed just because it is spread over several different web pages and comment blocks. After this paragraph, you (the reader, whomever you may be) may assume that "you" is referring to Michael and anything meant for my other readers is in italics.

Thanks again for stopping by, Michael. Conversations like this one are healthy and vital. You have certainly helped me understand your position, although I can't say that I have been converted. :-)

[1] I agree with you that immature teenagers is a modern concept. In fact, if you peruse my blog, you will see that I argue just this point, especially with respect to age of marriage. The short answer is, we have failed to prepare them. But implicit in preparation is a context in which to prepare them. I would argue that public schools increase the tendency toward prolonged adolescence and irresponsibility. Movies like “Failure to Launch” did not strike a nerve for no reason.

Well, for the most part we seem to agree here... at least about the state of our teens. However, I don't believe that public schools are at fault. I want to narrow the topic a bit, though. I also find it interesting that you think co-ed classrooms to be such a large part of the problem (I did at least read as far back as this post on your blog). What keeps us from being completely honest about one gender's needs while we are around children of the other gender? Should the needs of one gender be a secret held from the other? The only arguments I can think of to separate the discussions by gender are: maturity level (which sparked this part of the conversation, ironically) and wasted class time (which is debatable, because I believe understanding the needs of the spouse is vital to strong relationships).

[2] I think many Christian teens go wild not so much because they’ve been sheltered, but because they been told (and had embodied for them) that Christianity = obeying a bunch or rules. Families and churches do not present teens with a compelling, transcendent, winsome vision of life in God’s kingdom. Turning them loose in public schools only makes moralistic Christianity look even worse. The notion that we the teenage years are a season in which we should expect rebellion is also a modern notion, and not biblical. Public schools foster, implicitly and explicitly, rebellion against authority, and portray parents and their beliefs as archaic.

I wholeheartedly agree with your assessment of the problem. In fact, I believe I may have jumped to conclusions as far as your personal beliefs. I didn't realize it at the time, but I think I assumed you fit into the "rules lawyers" category, and for that, I apologize. Somehow, though, as I'm reading your response over and over, I can't help but think that this very argument supports my position that the schools are not at fault... at least until I get to the last line. If we were truly preparing our teenagers, "turning them loose" in the public education system would be no different than sending them out for job site training. In the workplace, assuming they work outside of a Christian organization (and perhaps even inside one), they'll be confronted by the ideas of unsaved people on a daily basis. I'm not sure how school is different. Your last line is what makes me pause. Can you give me an example of how public schools foster rebellion against authority and/or portray the parents' beliefs as archaic?

Side Note: I'm actually quite guilty of fostering rebellion in teens. I tell my kids all the time that "just because your mom invites you to smoke weed with her doesn't mean you have to, and it doesn't make it the right thing for her to do either." Working in an alternate school puts me into contact with kids who have some of the worst upbringings, and I absolutely try to get my kids to think for themselves rather than blindly following in their parents footsteps. I'm still pondering how this plays into the discussion, but I felt compelled to make note of it.

[3] One could answer this by appealing to ancient Israel. God told them to get rid of the idols. Couldn’t they have obeyed him and “handled” the idols around them? I suppose, but he wanted them to be gone. We have this notion that unless kids are allowed to kind of “try out” the world they will not know how to stand up to it. I disagree. Real life happens in other contexts besides public schools, and kids can be very well equipped for all life temptations away from that context. Plus, there are certain temptations I want to keep them away from, no matter what school they’re at. This is simply wise parenting.

Point (mostly) ceded. I really just wanted to know your position on this one. I don't believe we should encourage (or expect) kids to give evil a spin either. I have heard quite a few stories, however, of kids in Christian schools who were experimenting with the same sinful activities... perhaps even a larger percentage of the school population, given the smaller size of Christian schools. If this is the problem, I don't think Christian schooling is the solution. We have to better prepare preteens for the temptations they will face rather than try to shield them from it. As for wise parenting, that seems a moot point if we've established that teens should ideally be adults. If they are, they are not in need of the same type of parenting. Parents don't stop being parents when their children reach adulthood, but neither can they (or should they, in my opinion) shield them from the rest of the world. It is this behavior (sheltering our teens too much) that I believe leads to the extended adolescence that you blame on the public schools.

[4] This has nothing to do with fear, and the problem goes much deeper than “peer pressure” and unsaved teachers. The real problem is that public schools, in every way, take the view that Christ has nothing to do with knowledge or anything that’s important. He may come up in a history class as a kind of “religious figure,” but the official curriculum excludes any notion of teaching actual spiritual knowledge based on the lordship of Christ over all things. But students don’t realize this is happening. It’s not like they can go home to their parents and “report” the godlessness they were imbibing at school. It’s kind of like the nightly newscast. It’s not spewing out some explicitly anti-Christian garbage, but implicit (and explicit) in everything it broadcasts is the idea that God has no part of running and being involved in his universe. He is officially excluded. This is all-pervasive and has its effects on students who are not equipped to properly critique it. Heck, most Christian adults are not equipped to properly critique it. The Bible teaches that “all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge” are found in Jesus Christ, and that “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge.” But public schools deny this truth all day, every day. This is the real problem, not the kid who is talking about the pot he smoked last night (though that is a problem).

This is where I really take offense. I think you fail to recognize the power of Christian teachers despite the fact that many feel as though their hands are tied. The presence of Christian educators is needed even if we are not "officially" allowed to teach biblical knowledge. We do stand out. We do make a difference. We do form relationships with kids that reach beyond the classroom, where our hands aren't tied. I also think you forget the mentoring roles we play that have nothing to do with the curriculum and everything to do with improving our students' lives, which includes fostering relationships with Christ. Private conversations with students can and do include Christ whether we risk our jobs or not. To say that I deny that Jesus Christ is Lord all day, every day is ludicrous.

[5] This question seems to leave out the great mass of church history. The gospel has been spreading quite well over the centuries without Christian children going to officially agnostic government run schools. I’m talking about giving children a distinctively Christian education, not cloistering them up in a monastery or the like. Frankly, if Christians starting developing schools where Jesus’ command to “love me with all your mind” was taken seriously, I think we’d start to see the impact very soon. Historically, Christians were the ones who were sought after in various vocations because they could be counted on to work harder and with more integrity than others. Sadly, this has changed due to the church, not because the culture has become “better” people. Even our Christians schools need a lot of work. Your question also assumes a kind of “two worlds” idea: The secular world and the “Christian” world. There’s only one world and it’s God’s world, and the sooner we teach and embody this reality, the sooner Jesus and the gospel will be seen by all as the Lord that he is. The task is complicated today because of our radical individualism, but Jesus was clear that “all people will know that you are my disciples if you have love for one another.” The call is for Christians to raise their children and educate them in a way that makes Jesus’ lordship clear. This will necessarily give God’s people many opportunities and venues in which to share the gospel.

In trying to write quickly so as not to forget any of the questions that were brimming, I believe I worded this question poorly. What I really meant was: Aren't we missing out on an awesome opportunity to influence the lives of the unsaved children in the public schools? I did not intend to leave out the history of the church.

I also disagree with the idea that there are "two worlds" and I think this whole discussion originated with that very point, which Josh McDowell made on his blog ("let's take Christ with us into the secular world"). Aren't Christian schools just another attempt to create our own little niche?

Also, how do you feel about preparing kids for globalization and/or diversity in the working world? Does the school in which you work have a population that reflects the races/cultures of the surrounding community? I guess what I'm getting at is this: When I was growing up, I never knew anybody who went to a Christian school. As far as I know, nobody I was around knew anybody from Christian schools either. (If I have any readers from way back when, feel free to correct me on this one.) We knew about Christian colleges, but the kids from the Christian schools in the area might as well have been invisible, despite the presence of several schools in the county. Isn't that a little "cloistered," as you put it? Or is it just coincidence that I never encountered them?

[6] When I say that government schools are “officially agnostic,” I mean precisely what you’ve said, namely, God gets the silent treatment. I say it’s agnostic because the public school doesn’t take an official position for or against God’s existence and reality. But of course, the way it works out is “against.” I think I explained that earlier. Believe me, the ACLU and others are standing by to make sure that nothing positive about God’s existence gets talked about in public schools. So it’s official. You’ve pointed up the problem rather well. Public schools teach children that if they want to believe in God, that’s find for them, kind of like believing in Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. No one will stop you if you want to believe in them. But don’t try to bring it into the classroom as though it actually had anything to do with knowledge. It’s just your belief, right? And you should probably keep your beliefs to yourself and your church. So kids learn to privatize their faith, to wall it off and put it in a separate category. They don’t necessarily know they’re doing this, but they are. They’re being taught that spiritual knowledge is all relative, that is, unknowable, and that if they want to have “faith,” then they hope that does something good for them. But don’t possibly think that it is true for all people everywhere. How narrow-minded! You get it?

I get what you're saying, but I'm inclined to think that either I've been extremely lucky or you've been extremely unlucky as far as the attitudes of the educators we've encountered in the public schools. It may be geography as well, as being reported to the ACLU here in the Bible Belt is probably less likely than in California. In fact, the only time I can think of the ACLU getting a mention around here (in this context, at least) was when an atheist teacher at my own high school tried to tell a student that he couldn't read his Bible in class after he finished his classwork. (Again, readers, correct me if I'm wrong.) Also see #4... most of my responses there apply here as well. Perhaps we should combine these two if this continues?

[7] I’m not some kind of utopian, so I don’t think all Christians are going to abandon the public schools next week. But I’ll tell you this, if Christians finally decided that biblical wisdom required them to pull out of the public schools and give their children a Christian education, the public schools would have to shut down. It’s Christians who are keeping them open. We have the power to decide about these things. We’re not stuck. But we’ve got to do some better thinking.

What I was specifically addressing was the role of Christian teachers. I really took offense to the statement on your blog about the advice of the toothless drunk hanging out by the liquor store being equivalent to the advice of a teacher in public education. I realize that may be an extreme example, but it implies that every teacher in public education is guided strictly by the state curriculum rather than by the presence of Christ in his/her life. I really wanted to know if you believe that we, as educators in the public schools, are somehow going against God's will by remaining in our chosen career paths.

[8] Again, the church needs to decide that they’re serious about education. The real indicator to me that large swaths of the church don’t take the life of the mind (and heart) seriously is how little the church puts towards Christian education. Sure, we’ll spend hundreds of millions of dollars on church building programs, but where’s the line-item in the budget for scholarships to fund children’s educations. We’ll spend millions on dollars on Christian camps, but not Christian education. At my Christian school, we scholarship a lot of students who can’t afford our school. Even more significant is the issue of taxes. Give everyone back the taxes they have to pay to support government schools and we’ve got a different ballgame going, don’t we? There are ways to pay for it, but the church isn’t interested. That’s because our Christian children are on largely the same trajectory as the non-Christian ones. They aspire to the same things and the same standards of living and the same ideas about material progress and accumulation. And the public schools are their ticket to these goals.

Ironically, even though I'm defending public schools here, I support vouchers as well. I think more choices for parents will help children in poverty compete with children from higher income homes. I just don't think that the public education system is the fundamental problem for Christian teens struggling with temptation. All of this still boils down to the point made earlier: most of today's teens aren't spiritually prepared for the world.

I'm not sure how to take your point about public schools being the ticket to material progress and accumulation. Would I be right to infer that you assume the students of Christian schools are less likely to be materialistic and/or financially successful? Don't Christian schools prepare their students for college and careers just as much as public schools?

I think that through this conversation I've come to realize that Christian elementary schools might make sense... perhaps even middle schools. A large part of my argument hinges on Christian students being good influences on non-Christian students, and preteens aren't prepared for that responsibility. Many teens (and adults, as you said earlier) aren't prepared for the responsibility, but I think the problem lies in the preparation rather than with the public schools.

I'm not completely sold, though, because of a very solid argument made by my late wife: her Christian education did not prepare her for the critical thinking she needed to be successful in college. Jenni was just as intelligent as she was stubborn (the two qualities I loved most about her), so she overcame the obstacle and was actually more successful than our whole college crew. However, she often talked about feeling shortchanged because she had to adjust in her senior year of high school (at a public school) to the higher level thinking skills with which her classmates were already accustomed. Perhaps her experience was atypical, but her accounts make up the deepest pool of knowledge I have to draw from when it comes to Christian schools. Is this an issue at your school? Is it what you had in mind when you mentioned Christian schools having things they need to work on as well?

I'm enjoying this exchange. I'd like to continue, but the hour is too late and the post is too long. I'm sure you'd like a response before I write a book on my beliefs and opinions. As you suggested, the opportunity to examine our assumptions is healthy and vital. I hope to continue the conversation soon... thanks again for stopping by!

Christians in Public Schools

2009-10-06T18:58:00.005-04:00

Well, a comment on Josh's last post has gotten my brain churning out things to discuss. I encourage anyone to go read it, but if you refuse, here's a summary of the exchange:

Josh made a comment about taking Christ with us into the secular world instead of creating places specifically for Christians, and included schools as an example. The commenter responded with this:

I'm with you, but I have a bit of a different take on "Christian Schools," especially since I teach at one. I believe that Christians need to stop "taking Christ" into the officially agnostic government (i.e., public) schools. Christ is already there, of course, but most Christian teenagers are not prepared to properly discern and stand firm in the face of the onslaught they will face there.

As a teacher, I'm not sure how to take this. I don't think it was meant as an insult to my profession or my workplace. I'm pretty sure it has more to do with government policies higher up the ladder, but it stings nonetheless. Basically, I just have a bunch of questions in response to this. I'd like to write a ton, but I don't have time at the moment and I'd really like to see his answers before I elaborate on my own opinions. I hope this generates a deep and thoughtful conversation.

The idea that teenagers aren't mature enough to properly discern and stand firm is a fairly modern concept. In some cultures, teenagers are considered adults even today. Does it have anything to do with their age or have we failed to prepare them? Or do we just not trust in our ability to prepare them?
Can't we be too sheltering? Isn't the tendency for Christian teens/young adults to "go wild" when they first leave home (for college, perhaps) a direct result of the sheltered lifestyle?
There is, of course, the age-old question: Is one really good/strong/pure/whatever if he has been sheltered from the temptation in question?
Are we so fearful of those unsaved children (and teachers) that we don't trust God to watch over our own while they're outside of our comfort zones?
If we took all of the Christian kids out of public schools, how would we reach the unsaved children who might otherwise have no link to the Christian world?
No public school I've taught in has been officially agnostic. Rather, the whole topic usually gets the silent treatment because so many teachers fear losing their jobs if they discuss it. Perhaps that's a policy I've just never come across before. Was that just a personal observation or is it really "official"?
Should all Christian educators move to Christian schools so we aren't "stuck" in "officially" agnostic programs?
I've never seen a free Christian school. How do Christian schools benefit students at or below the poverty line? Some of my kids have to skip meals. I can't imagine them paying to go to a private school.

Well, that's all I have time to type right now. I should have company on the way shortly. Here's hoping that the commenter stops by. I'm interested in hearing his opinions... but I'm also interested in my readers' opinions. Feel free to contribute!

Pranking the Teacher

2009-10-02T19:57:00.001-04:00

I would absolutely love to pull something like this off someday. Check out the video... it is over eight minutes long but worth the time, especially if you've ever been in a terrible parent-teacher conference!

Kimbo's Real Enemy

2009-09-30T22:12:00.002-04:00

I'm taking a break from school work to watch Ultimate Fighter, and within the first five minutes of the show I'm finding myself impressed. Who would have thought that Kimbo Slice would say something so profound? While talking about getting right with God, he mentions realizing that the real "enemy" is the "inner me." Man, that's deep.

And then, as if Kimbo's profound statement wasn't surprising enough, Marcus Jones goes and says he's passionate about Dungeons & Dragons. This episode is just full of surprises...

Interesting... very interesting...

Random Thoughts While Taking a Break from Schoolwork

2009-09-27T19:31:00.001-04:00

It's been a long afternoon so far and I'm taking a break. I have to apologize ahead of time that I've had so many bleak posts lately. There just isn't much that seems to be going right these days and this blog ends up being my outlet, so please forgive me for my less-than-cheerful posts.

Schoolwork is no fun and it brings up too many memories of Jenni. Work I don't particularly enjoy anyway + poignant reminder of the loneliness = work that is excruciatingly difficult to complete. If you've been keeping up with me on here, you're probably tired of hearing that, so I'll try not to repeat it anymore. But hey, I apologized for being so bleak before I even said it, so that means it's okay right? Right...

I'm seriously considering going back to college, but I think guidance might be the way to go instead of a master's degree in English and/or education. Testing sucks too, but I think I could handle being really busy twice a year. Right now it seems like I'm really busy all the time... except when I'm lazy, but that just makes the workload worse on the weekends when I should be recuperating.

On a brighter note, some of my coworkers showed me this funny baby video last week and if any of my readers need to be cheered up as much as I do right now, it's worth a try:

If that one didn't make anyone crack a smile, this video should do the job:

And finally, if the farting video didn't do the trick, here's a European commercial that I really wish I could show my kids at school without getting in trouble:

Alright, I guess I need to get back to work now...

School Anxiety... Not Improving, but I'm Adapting

2009-09-19T10:19:00.000-04:00

Well, another week down and too many left to go. I managed to get enough grading accomplished to get progress reports out this week, even if I did give more effort grades than usual just to make the job quicker. I think I have figured out how to beat the "school stuff anxiety" that creeps up on me: work on it with people around instead of by myself. Having people around helps keep my mind busy so I don't dwell on things, and it also triggers my "don't break down in front of people" instinct so I hold things in better. My thanks go out to Matt for hanging out last week and helping me file papers (even when I basically told him not to). If I had the money, I think I'd hire a teacher's assistant just to file papers for me. Everyone reading this probably already knows that organization is not exactly my cup of tea.

My goal this weekend is to get completely caught up on the rest of my grading and try not to give any assignment from here on out (other than projects) that I can't finish grading during my planning period. If I can manage that, my stress levels and workload should decrease significantly.

Side Note: I just had to copy & paste this whole page... I'm glad I realized what I was doing before I posted all of this on www.cornwellsclass.com!

Time to hit the shower, the grocery store, somewhere for takeout, and then the school work. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Inspiring Myself

2009-09-14T16:39:00.001-04:00

Well, I just got a message on Facebook from George Jingles Wilson III (seriously... that's his name), who just read my profile and said I was crazy. As soon as he mentioned reading my profile, I probably turned bright red. Jenni created my Facebook account right after we got married and when she asked me to write the "About Me" section, I tried as hard as I could to embarrass her. It was hilarious. Of course, I forgot all about it and never took it down... so up until today I still had this on my profile:

I enjoy good conversations and long walks on the beach. I'm getting old and I got married... but I'm still the same big kid I've always been. And married sex is good. You should try it sometime. I know I do every day... sometimes multiple times per day. Nah, not sometimes... PREFERABLY multiple times per day. Yup.

Now, that might seem too embarrassing to share on my blog, but it isn't. What's really embarrassing is that some of my former students are my friends on Facebook. The fact that my kids were able to read that... even though they're all grown up now... wow... that's embarrassing.

At this point, you're probably wondering what this embarrassment has to do with inspiring myself. While I was correcting my "oops, I left that up there too long" mistake, I read the rest of my own profile and found that, when I'm not depressed and lonely, I can actually be a fairly inspiring guy. Sometime since the fall of 2007, I wrote this:

I have the best job in the world and nobody believes me. I really feel sorry for anyone who hasn't had the opportunity to teach in an alternate school. You people are missing out on some of the best jobs in the world. I guess I just revealed one of the best kept secrets in America... but it won't matter because nobody will believe me anyway.

Honestly, I wouldn't believe me either after seeing what I've written here over the last few weeks. I can honestly say, though, that the job itself is great... my mental state just hasn't quite seemed up to the challenge lately. I do feel better after reading this. It probably isn't inspiring to anyone else, but it did manage to rekindle a bit of something in me. Of course, now I need to get to work on grading papers because progress reports will go out this week and I really can't put it off much longer. We'll see if I'm still decently optimistic tomorrow morning.

For now, it's nap time and then a nosedive into a heap of student work. Wish me luck.

"I Refuse to Talk Over You"

2009-09-10T17:08:00.000-04:00

This used to be one of my catch phrases. I usually stop each time I am interrupted and repeat myself. Eventually, the repetition gets annoying enough that my students stop talking just so they won't have to hear me repeat the first few lines again. However, as amusing as that little scenario can be for me, it hasn't worked with one of my classes this year and I tried something different today.

Instead of stopping, I just made sure I was louder than the students interrupting me and stood between them until they stopped. It was amazing. I got a little exercise by walking around the room a few times, they completely stopped interrupting me, and I didn't waste any valuable class time addressing the issue.

I guess my new catch phrase should be, "I refuse to let you be the loudest."

Need a New Job

2009-09-09T19:33:00.000-04:00

I'm taking a break from grading papers to ask for some ideas. Just about everything about school is depressing these days... everything reminds me of Jenni and I can't seem to shake it, so I'm wondering if taking a break from teaching for a while might be a good idea. I don't want to give it up forever. I just think that the summer wasn't a long enough break, and while I don't think sitting at home doing nothing is healthy, Jenni and I had careers that overlapped so perfectly that everything about work seems ten times harder than it used to be just because of the memories and emotions.

I don't know why it didn't hit me this hard at the end of the year last year. Perhaps I was able to push through because I knew there wasn't much time left before I'd get a break. Perhaps I was still in shock and the reality just hadn't set in yet. Maybe the Jenni factor isn't necessarily worse, but is bothering me more because the rest of the job has gotten harder and between the two, I've reached my limit. I don't know. All I know is that I don't want to write lesson plans, grade papers, give student feedback, discuss literature, or do anything else that reminds me of Jenni. It would be nice to go to work and "zone out" of the loneliness. Instead, everything I do reminds me of her. I don't know how Judi survives working in a hospital. I wouldn't make it. I just wish that at work I could get my mind off of last spring at least enough that normalcy is a little more... well... normal, and a lot less of an act.

There are a few issues with the idea of a career shift, though.

I don't want to take a pay cut.
I don't want to go back to school (unless "school" consists of on-the-job training with pay).
I don't want to relocate.
I would prefer to keep working with kids.
The economy sucks and taking this kind of leap scares the crap out of me.

Okay, so unless some amazing opportunity presents itself, I'm not going anywhere. My whole life is wrapped up in school, and I don't know what else I'd want to do. I also can't think of any jobs that would pay me just as much, maintain the same level of job security, and alleviate my fear of change. I guess I'll just tough it out and keep praying for strength.

In the meantime, though... it can't hurt to keep an eye out and an open mind, right? If the right opportunity presented itself, I'd sure jump on it.

Anybody have any ideas?

How Am I Doing?

2009-09-05T20:28:00.001-04:00

When asked how she was doing, Jenni used to say "fine" no matter how bad she felt. I guess it was her way of avoiding the subject without actually lying and saying that she was doing great. My responses to that question vary a lot more than Jenni's did...

"Hanging in there."

"I'm alright."

"Pretty good."

None of these really describe how I feel, though. Most of the time I'm not even sure how I feel, much less how to answer. Everything still seems kind of surreal. Judi asked me this afternoon how I was doing, and I think I managed the most honest answer I've mustered in months.

"Nothing's wrong that hasn't been wrong since March."

Well, One Week Down... Quite a Few to Go...

2009-08-30T23:22:00.000-04:00

I'm officially a week into the school year, and it has been exhausting so far. I really need to crash, so I'm just going to mention a few notable events and things I hope to accomplish over the next few days.

My new website (www.cornwellsclass.com) is getting rave reviews from my fellow educators. Everyone seems to like it except for the kids, who have been pretty indifferent so far. However, on Tuesday they'll get the instructions for their first project and I think they will better appreciate the ability to ask me questions outside of class once they start working on it.
As cool as it may be, my new website is a major consumer of my time. I'm going on faith that the payoff will be worth the effort, because I'm too lazy to be working this hard without reward. If my kids truly benefit from this, that will be enough, but if they remain as indifferent as they are now, my motivation will fade quickly.
I'm still working on which short stories to read with the kids. I'm definitely planning on using "The Yellow Wallpaper" with the juniors and "On the Sidewalk Bleeding" with the freshmen. Crazy chicks and gang violence? My kids will love 'em. I still need one more short story for each of those classes, though, and I don't have anything for the sophomores or seniors. I could just grab the textbook, but I'm trying to challenge myself to read cool stuff rather than convenient stuff this year.
I really want to respond to Janice's question about the classics, but I really don't feel like I can do the topic justice without taking the time to thoroughly explain myself. In short, I think we English teachers have to be realistic about the fact that our literary tastes and the tastes of the average teenager are going to differ greatly. I really want to keep writing about this, but I'm going to force myself to stop.
I went to Jessica's wedding but didn't stay. Being there and thinking about weddings got me thinking about Jenni and I left all choked up. I managed to collect myself after driving around for awhile, but at that point I was too embarrassed to go back for the reception.
I tried to help do some work at the church, but I'm always reminded how how much better other guys are with tools, construction, wiring, etc. Call me when you want your computer fixed or your essay critiqued, but don't expect much from me "helping" with renovations... unless you just need someone to hand the tools to the guys up on the scaffolding. I'm pretty worthless when it comes to handyman stuff.

I've probably missed a few things that I meant to share, but I'm going to call it a night. I've got to get to school early in the morning to print copies of tomorrow's test. Yes, I'm testing my kids on the first Monday of the school year... I'm such a jerk.

School is Back in Session

2009-08-21T19:08:00.000-04:00

I just finished my third workday of the 09-10 school year, and I can't decide whether I'm happy to be back in school or not. Normally, I'm extremely excited this time of year. Despite how much I love my summers, it is just a great feeling to look ahead at the coming school year and envision the awesome things that will happen in my class. I'm a little more hesitant this year, though. By the end of the summer, Jenni was always itching to get back to work and her excitement was contagious. Although I do look forward to school, I can't even come close to the enthusiasm that Jenni had for the job, and that was inspiring. She inspired me... it is hard to imagine the effect she must have had on her students. I find myself a little less excited about pretty much everything these days, though, so perhaps this is just part of life without Jenni that I'll eventually work my way through.

I am excited about some of the changes I'm planning on making in my classroom this year. I've decided to abandon traditional literature almost completely. If it isn't something I absolutely love, I don't plan on teaching it. I think this change of pace will help make up for the lack of excitement about this school year, and I think the fact that I'll actually be passionate about the material will help motivate the kids. These are some books I'm planning on using this year:

Who Moved My Cheese? for Teens
Chicken Soup for the Soul: Teens Talk High School
Rich Dad, Poor Dad
The Rose That Grew From Concrete
The Fred Factor

If there are any other books my readers can think of that fit the following criteria, I'd love to hear about them. I need books that...

...will appeal to at-risk students.
...teach life lessons and/or communication skills.
...won't bore me to tears.

Hmmmm... I've just realized a real problem I have with this blog... my style is a little too close to stream of conscious, so it is difficult to wrap things up eloquently. I'm going to end this one just as uneloquently* as usual and I promise to work on that little issue in the future.

*No, it isn't a real word. I don't care.

Church Sucks

2009-08-11T12:36:00.000-04:00

I'm not providing any commentary yet. I want to see peoples' reactions first. Feel free to leave comments.

More Than a Little Pissed at eBay Shoppers

2009-08-07T11:57:00.003-04:00

BEGIN RANT

I'm closing my eBay store today.

Am I mad at eBay? Absolutely not. Am I mad at the dipsticks who purchase items on eBay without reading the title, the item description, or the shipment information and then ask for a refund because I wasn't selling what they wanted? YES!

I'm trying to sell off the more expensive cards from my Magic Online account, and I realize that eBay isn't the most common venue with which to sell these cards. But the title of every single item begins with "MTGO (Magic Online)"! Is that obvious enough? Obviously not. I still get emails like these:

Dear theoutsyder83,

Hey man i know your thing says no return or refunds but i didnt realize
that you were selling mtgo cards. so i was wanting to know if you could
make an exception this one time.
please contact me back just to give me
your answer.

Dear theoutsyder83,

I dont have a MTGO screen name, I thought that the cards were Hard Copies
of the card. Sorry for the misunderstanding. Is there any way you can
cancel or credit me back the money?

Dear theoutsyder83,

oh, those are magic the gathering online cards. Well it seems I made a
mistake. I didn't read the item tag correctly and thought they were actual
cards. I don't have a magic online account =S.

It isn't just in the title, though. I tried to be extra careful from the very beginning to make sure people knew exactly what they were purchasing, so there is also a bold sentence in every item description that says, "Please note that this is a digital copy of the card to be used with the Magic Online program." Every shipping description says, "As soon as your payment clears, I will email you about setting up a time to deliver the cards online." HOW DO PEOPLE MISS THIS?!?!

How is it possible to survive when you miss "subtle" hints like the title of an eBay auction? or the big bold print in the item description? Do these people also miss "subtle" hints like... I don't know... road signs? Are these the folks who walk up to a door that says "PULL" in bright letters at eye level and walk away assuming the door was locked because it didn't open when they pushed? Is this why mortgages are so bad? People can't even read the title, much less the fine print?

I'm a pretty laid back guy, though. It takes quite a bit to really get me frustrated. Seriously, I work in an alternate school and I really love my job. You don't love jobs like the one I have without a degree of patience. The first two times it happened, I actually laughed. The third time it happened, I laughed again but admitted that it was getting old and changed my refund policy to account for the money that we sellers lose every time a mistake like this is made. Now that it has happened two more times (a total of five in just over a week), it isn't funny anymore. I'm absolutely fed up and closing the whole operation. It would be different if I was doing a large volume of sales that were making up for these little irritations. If the items had been purchased by people who actually wanted them, I would have made about a hundred bucks in a week or two, but I'm actually in the hole now.

Thanks, eBay shoppers. You suck.

And you need to visit my classroom. When I'm not selling random junk on eBay, I teach reading skills to troubled teens. They don't always like the contents of the books we read... but at least they read the titles.

END RANT

Refinancing the Hoose

2009-08-01T14:15:00.000-04:00

The house appraisal came back even higher than the last time the house was appraised... by almost $10,000... which seems absolutely bonkers considering the housing crisis and all that. Maybe I just don't understand the situation well enough, but I was under the impression that home values were falling. Either way, I'm not complaining. It is a blessing that the house was appraised so highly. If it had been too low, I would not have been able to refinance and I'd be in a heap of trouble.

The refinance should be completed on August 10th, and starting the following month my mortgage payment will be $350 less, which will be much easier to maintain than the current payment that Jenni and I calculated that we could afford based on our combined salaries.

Whew... glad the house issue is almost over...

More Words of Wisdom from Mike Huckabee

2009-07-27T22:00:00.000-04:00

This one will be quick. I think I'm going to post this in my classroom this year:

The challenge of living beyond our lifetime begins with being more than a critic of what is wrong. We must strive to be a creator of what is right.

Despite the poor grammar, the idea is great. I need to research how inappropriate it is to misquote someone on purpose in order to correct the grammar... creators, Mike... "We must strive to be creators of what is right."

REPOST: Reading About Jenni

2009-07-25T22:15:00.001-04:00

REPOST: I'm reposting this because I found another blog post about Jenni. I have to apologize to Josh... I remember him talking about his blog on several occasions but until tonight, I haven't read a single word. I should also note that Katie and April also wrote about Jenni in their MySpace blogs. Unfortunately, for me to link to them would be pointless, because you must have a MySpace account and already be the someone's friend in order to read their blog posts (correct me if I'm wrong!). I do want to acknowledge, though, that they are there for those of you who are MySpace users.

I spend a lot of time talking about Jenni on this blog. Words cannot describe how much I miss her, and there are some other folks who have written about her too. I just wanted to share some of the posts other folks have made about her.

Unforgettable (Me)
TWINS (Judi)
Honored to Be Jenni's Mother-In-Law & Josh's Mom (my mom)
My Dearest Jenni (Valerie)
Emotions (Melissa)
My Thoughts On: Jenni Cornwell (Matt)
Death (Josh)

If anybody knows of others, please leave a comment with a link. I'd love to read and share.

Words of Wisdom from Mike Huckabee

2009-07-25T15:29:00.004-04:00

This Mike Huckabee guy sure does say a lot that I agree with. One section in Character Makes a Difference begins with this paragraph:

Being a Christian makes it possible to stay put. [Note: He's refering to the previous paragraph, in which he talks about weathering the storms of life without changing your moral standards.] But I think many well-meaning Christians mistakenly think that because they recognize the value of integrity, they should avoid people who don't. That is a grave error. Christians who understand their faith are not exclusive, but inclusive.

I am reminded of the times that I was given a hard time in high school by people who didn't think it was appropriate for me to hang out with certain friends of mine, even though I wasn't compromising my morals. So what if they did drugs? or drank? As long as I wasn't a participant in these things, there was absolutely nothing wrong with me hanging out with them. If nothing else, I might have been an example of the freedom Christians have to have fun without needing the drugs or alcohol. Also, note that I really don't have a problem with alcohol itself... only the abuse of it. Is it okay for a Christian to enjoy a glass of wine with his meal? YES! Is it okay for a Christian to stumble down the street in a drunken stupor because he can't control his impulses? NO!

In any case, I don't want to go off on a long tangent about alcohol. I just wanted to share my reaction to this particular passage from old Mike Huck. I know I'm not really ending elegantly, but I don't want to write a novel... just wanted to throw my reactions out there.

Why No Posts Lately?

2009-07-25T11:54:00.003-04:00

It has been an odd day so far. I thought I heard the doorbell ring, but I wasn't sure if I was dreaming or not. Then it rang again and I actually got up, but by the time I made it to the door, my visitor(s) had left. I'm not sure if it was actually somebody coming to see me or if it was the friendly neighborhood Jehovah's Witnesses making their Saturday morning rounds, but if any of my readers know who stopped by, please let me know.

I haven't written anything in over a week. Why? Because nothing happens in the summertime. Sure, I've spent some time with friends and family, Ben came down for a few days to hang out, and I've got a trip to Dave & Buster's in the planning stages... but otherwise, things have just been pretty uneventful (or, at best, ordinary) since Hunter and Ali went home.

So, what have I been doing with all of the free time? Definitely not what I should be doing... I haven't spent a spare moment on preparing for school. I have managed to read a short book called Who Moved My Cheese, which is pretty awesome in its simplicity. I'll share more later. I've played a ton of Fallout 3. I've written quite a bit for Outsyder Gaming. I've cleaned out parts of the house (which is difficult because I always find stuff that was Jenni's and get depressed). I restarted the old eBay store that I ran back in my college days... although I doubt it will last long, to be honest.

Mostly, I've been painting. I started bidding on relatively cheap Warhammer 40K miniatures on eBay, and now I've started painting some of the ones that have come in. They're in various stages of completeness, as I lose patience with one and move on to the next several times before coming back to finish the first ones. Here's an example of one. Keep in mind that these are 28 mm tall, so it ain't easy.

This is certainly no masterpiece, but it is time consuming and enjoyable... and perhaps the most important of all, it keeps my mind off of Jenni not being around... something not many activities in my life are capable of accomplishing at the moment...

A Good Cause

2009-07-15T14:29:00.000-04:00

Considering what I (and most of my readers) have experienced this year with the loss of Jenni, I thought some of you might be interested in this... a family recovering from cancer (currently in remission) with a small fortune's worth of medical debt. Jenni and I were fortunate enough to be state employees and had/have good insurance. This family is not so lucky.

There are prizes associated with donating, but I'm not interested in those (not just because I wouldn't want a prize for doing a good deed, also because the prizes are associated with games that I don't play). You can read about Donna on her blog and, if you're interested, find out how to donate by visiting www.retroroleplaying.com. It's a simple PayPal donation identical to the one that was originally on Jennibugg's Blogg.

Ticklish?

2009-07-14T17:13:00.000-04:00

Alright, here's some funny stuff. My mom is by far the most ticklish person I've ever known. This is a video of my brother cornering her. Keep in mind that this had been going on for a good 15-20 minutes before I started taping...

Hunter's Visit (Part II)

2009-07-12T17:28:00.002-04:00

It can't be denied... this kid is hilarious!

Ali's Visit (Part III)

2009-07-12T17:26:00.000-04:00

Another video from Ali's visit, this time of Ali at the Catawba Science Center. She didn't have much to say during most of the video, but listening to some of the kids around us is pretty funny.

Character Makes a Difference Excerpt and Commentary

2009-07-10T11:32:00.001-04:00

Note: I wrote this over a week ago but I must have clicked save instead of publish. OOPS!

I mentioned earlier that I was reading Character Makes a Difference by Mike Huckabee and that I would post a review of the book when I finished. Unfortunately, I haven't even picked up the book again until this morning. However, today I have managed to read for nearly a solid hour and I'm finding myself more and more impressed with his words... particularly this section:

In my early years of ministry, I was quite idealistic, thinking that most people in the congregation expected me to be the captain of a warship leading God's troops into battle to change the world. As the years passed, I became increasingly convinced that most people wanted me to captain the Love Boat, making sure everyone was having a good time. Too many people seemed unconcerned about how many marriages were salvaged, how many kids got off drugs, or how many teen pregnancies were prevented. Rather, the chief concerns seemed to be whether the menus for Wednesday night dinners were appetizing, what color the softball jerseys would be, how loud some guess musicians might sing, whether the coffeepot was ready in the Sunday school building, and whether there were paper towels in the women's rest room.

I completely agree with his assessment that the concerns of many (if not most) churchgoers are warped. I don't necessarily think that they are bad people, but it is clear that their priorities focus on keeping themselves comfortable rather than actually making a positive difference outside the church building itself. He follows with this statement:

I grew increasingly frustrated. I wasn't bitter or angry; I just wanted my life to count for something more than being an ordained cruise director.

And this is why I teach in an alternative school. I know that teachers everywhere have real impact on the students they teach, but it just wasn't enough for me. In education, I have wanted two things: to work with kids who have been given up on by other teachers and to coach basketball. I often find myself wavering on the coaching goal, but working with the kids nobody else seems to like is more of a calling than a goal. It makes me feel like my life counts for something.

Ali's Visit (Part II)

2009-07-09T22:16:00.002-04:00

Ali's Visit

2009-07-09T01:37:00.002-04:00

Just some pics of Ali while she's visiting me this summer... most of these are just Ali taking pictures of herself... but that's okay too. Most of the time, I forget that a camera is even around.

Created with flickr slideshow.

Hunter's Visit

2009-07-09T01:36:00.002-04:00

Some pics of Hunter's visit this summer...

Created with flickr slideshow.

Welcome

2009-07-02T08:29:00.000-04:00

I just saw a spike in traffic here and I just realized that my little corner of the 'net made it to the front page of www.bloggers.com, so I want to say welcome to anyone who visits me from there. I don't know how long the "featured" status will last, but it sure is cool to see some new folks. Thanks for visiting!

For those of you who aren't visiting from www.bloggers.com, you should check it out (especially if you're a blogger and want to connect to other bloggers).

Summer School

2009-06-29T11:32:00.001-04:00

Well, I've discovered that even Captain Underpants isn't exciting enough to make a kid read for 30 minutes straight, so Hunter and I are taking a break from "summer school" to do some artwork. Hunter wanted me to draw Jeff Hardy... and I made it through part of his face before Hunter took over and finished for me.

I guess I wasn't drawing fast enough.

Emerald Point and Burning Sensations

2009-06-26T14:26:00.001-04:00

I spent the better part of the afternoon yesterday with Maddie, Stephanie, and Judi at Wet 'n Wild Emerald Point. It was a lot of fun, but the aftermath is painful. Even after putting on sun screen as soon as I took my shirt off and putting on more sunscreen a few hours later, I have still managed to turn a beautiful shade of red and I'm spending today cooped up in the house with this aloe lotion stuff. Unfortunately, I can't act like this is all the sun screen's fault. The brightest spots on me are on the tops of my feet, which I'm pretty sure I completely neglected. I guess that means the sun screen worked... just not well enough for someone as pale and pasty as me.

Despite the sunburn, the hardest part of the day was, "Where's Aunt Jenni?" I guess it's a good thing that Maddie doesn't fully understand. I would not wish the sadness & loneliness on anyone. Of course, hearing that sure made it hard to hold it together in public...

"She's in heaven."

An Interesting Website

2009-06-23T16:07:00.000-04:00

I stumbled across www.pathguy.com today and the website has a ton of stuff to read about all kinds of different topics. I found it while I was looking for gaming stuff (big surprise) but discovered as I poked around on the site that the author is a Christian and has written quite a bit about his beliefs. Of course, I don't agree with everything he has to say. Some of his beliefs are heavily influenced by his background in science, and while I might share those beliefs if I had the same background, my own experiences lead me to disagree with him on some points. However, there is quite a bit that we do share and his style is eloquent. I can't claim to have read everything on his website, but I can say that I've enjoyed what I have read.

Check it out if you're interested in this kind of thing. Scroll down and check out the column on the right side. The Christian stuff is at the top and the gaming stuff is at the bottom.

Summer Vacation: One Week In

2009-06-22T12:04:00.002-04:00

As of today, I've been off work for a full week and it has been a blessing. With so few responsibilities, I can finally focus on getting my life in order. Of course, I've tried to focus on that several times over the last few months and things never really seem to be in order... more manageable, maybe, but not in order.

I have a ton of work to do over the summer, but having the majority of each day to just relax makes the few hours of work much more bearable. Even more than a typical summer vacation, I've spent the majority of my time either reading or playing games. The book of the moment is Mike Huckabee's Character Makes a Difference: Where I'm From, Where I've Been, and What I Believe. It was Jenni's book, but I'm not sure if she ever read it. I'll post a review of the book when I finish it. The game of the moment is Warhammer 40K. This game is great for me right now because you are encouraged to paint the miniatures and that burns up a ton of time that I might otherwise spend thinking too much and getting depressed.

Unfortunately, I haven't worked at all on my big summer project. I was just so burned out by the end of the year that the urge to do anything school related has not returned yet. I might get to it later on this summer. Time will tell. For now, you can see a semi-preview at www.cornwellsclass.com. The first thing to get changed will be that ugly brown patterned background, but like I said, I'm not sure when I'll have the motivation to work on it.

For those reading, if you get a summer break, I hope you're enjoying it... and if you don't, you should have been a teacher!

Graduation Day 2009

2009-06-12T16:51:00.000-04:00

I can honestly say that I have never been more ready to see the end of the school year than this year. To say that I feel burned out would be the understatement of... some large number of years. I probably can't count high enough for the number I'm reaching for. Fortunately...

I'll never forget Mr. Thrower playing a clip of that song over the intercom at Rohanen Junior High instead of ringing the bell on the last day of school.

It is kind of pathetic that I'm home now and I keep feeling like I should be working on something for school. I've been working so steadily the last two weeks that I almost don't know what to do with myself now that I have free time. I'm sure this feeling won't last too long, but I guess I should take advantage of it while it lasts and work on my big summer project.

Expect to see more posts from me over the summer. I'm sure I'll have more time to write between now and August...

"Ours to Keep" by Kina Grannis

2009-05-30T14:23:00.006-04:00

Jenni would definitely pick on me for putting this on my blog but I want it here for several reasons. I never really liked it, but she did (it was her MySpace song)... and it is ironically appropriate... and it's one of those little things that I'll forget if I don't record it somewhere.

Recap of the Week and Future Class Blogging Plans

2009-05-30T09:06:00.000-04:00

I haven't written much this week for several reasons, but mostly because testing has taken a huge chunk out of my free time. I've been the administrator for the 6th grade EOG at Catawba Valley High, so I didn't get a planning period all week, and guess what that means? All of the papers I would have graded during my planning period had to be graded at home, which I despise. Couple my lack of paper grading time at school with the new workout schedule I've now been on for two weeks and you'll find one exhausted teacher.

Unfortunately, the workout schedule has translated into a measly two pounds of weight loss in two weeks. I guess I'm really going to have to go back to eating more intelligently if I'm going to get back into ball-playing shape again. Right now, comfort food just feels necessary all too often. That's just another hole I'll need to dig myself out of as I work on this "new normal" that really doesn't seem normal at all yet.

On a brighter note, I think I've figured out what I'm going to do to keep myself busy this summer. I was fiddling around with Google Documents the other day and realized that you can embed PowerPoint presentations into blog posts. Since I use a PowerPoint in class every single day and I've had two semesters now of my students blogging their classwork, I might jump in the deep end with a class blog in the fall. I want to incorporate all of the following:

Scheduled posts for each class day with that day's PowerPoint (hopefully complete or nearly complete before the summer is over)
Directions, rubrics, due dates, and any other necessary materials for each assignment
Q&A Section for each assignment where students can read the answers to previously asked questions before they ask me

If I can pull this off, a student who misses a day of class can just pull up the blog and see everything we did in class that day, print anything they need, and even turn it in... and I won't have the hassle of hoping I remember where the materials for that day are located.

Happy Memorial Day Everyone!

2009-05-25T08:10:00.002-04:00

Grandview's Tribute to Jenni

2009-05-21T19:08:00.003-04:00

As I said in this previous post, the students and faculty of Grandview Middle School dedicated their participation in the March For Babies to Jenni. They all wore "In Loving Memory of Mrs. Cornwell" shirts and released Carolina blue & white balloons. Here are the pictures I promised to share.

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

A Riddle for Ali

2009-05-15T09:01:00.003-04:00

After Judi's graduation from nursing school (congrats, Judi), Ali and I exchanged riddles at Smithfield's in Rockingham. She kept asking for more, so I told her that I'd start posting some on my website for her. These are the kinds of questions I have been using lately for bell work at the beginning of class, so I'll also post how difficult each one seemed for my classes.

A man was found murdered on Sunday morning. His wife immediately called the police. The police questioned the wife and staff and got their alibis:

The wife said she was sleeping.
The cook was cooking breakfast.
The gardener was picking vegetables.
The maid was getting the mail.
The butler was cleaning the closet.

The police instantly arrested the murderer. Who did it and how did the police know?

Alright, Ali... if you can figure it out, post your answer as a comment. If you can't, leave a comment when you give up and I'll show the answer.

Thoughts on Jenni and the Teacher of the Year Award (Mostly Jenni)

2009-05-13T17:07:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm not the Hickory Public Schools Teacher of the Year, and I'm actually breathing a sigh of relief. I was so scared that I might get pity votes after losing Jenni and I really didn't want to get it for that reason. If I ever do win, I want to actually deserve it. I cannot even begin to claim that my teaching this semester has been my own best, much less the best in the school system. I guess you could give me some kind of award for surviving, but even then, I look at some of the situations my kids have experienced and I wonder how they manage to get up every morning. With everything that has happened this semester, I have a hard time getting up each morning too, but at least I have the comfort of knowing that Jenni is in a better place... the comfort of knowing that someday I'll see her again... the comfort of knowing that her last conscious moments were peaceful...

Some people just don't seem to believe me, but I don't feel any anger over her passing. The thought that I might be mad at God is foreign to me. I guess I understand why others would be, but anger is just not an issue. There are a lot of negative emotions (loneliness at the forefront), but I knew even before we got married that we might not grow old together. Even though I may have never acknowledged it out loud, I was always aware of the possibility. I think about the students I have who have lost close loved ones to murder and it really puts things in perspective. As hard as life has been since I lost Jenni, her last moments were peaceful. She was surrounded by family and friends. If she was fearful in those last conscious moments, she didn't show it. If anything, I'm actually grateful that God allowed Jenni's passing to be as peaceful as it was, and that He used her situation to reach so many people all over the world. There are tons of people every day who don't have those comforts, and even in times like this I feel blessed.

In any case, I started this just to announce that I wasn't chosen as the Hickory Public Schools Teacher of the Year... and spent almost this whole post writing about Jenni. I can't help it sometimes. That's just where my mind goes...

A Video Game Jenni Would Have Actually Played

2009-05-10T13:59:00.000-04:00

I was in Best Buy yesterday shopping for a Mother's Day present and got distracted by the Wii games. I was hoping I would find something cool (and maybe educational) for the kids to play when they come visit this summer. I didn't have a whole lot of luck, but I'll look again before they come down from Virginia.

But none of that was the point of this post. While I was there, I ran across a game that Jenni would have actually played... and probably would have loved.

Overslept on a Sunday... Again

2009-05-10T10:22:00.003-04:00

To say that I overslept might be a little of an overstatement. I actually woke up around 7:45. The problem was that I felt like I had plenty of time before I needed to get ready for church, so I didn't actually get out of bed. Sometime after 8:15 (when I finished a text messaging conversation with Val), I dozed off again and now I'm waking up without enough time left to get ready and get to church.

In any case, I need to finish all of the paper grading that I planned to finish yesterday but didn't. I did get started, but judging by the stack that is still on my table, I doubt I finished a third of it last night. I need to at least finish enough so that I can get progress reports out to the kids tomorrow. I guess that's what I'll spend my afternoon on before I head to Lincolnton for Mother's Day.

Speaking of Mother's Day, I can't help but think of Jenni. She was always so sad this time of year and there was never anything I could do to cheer her up... she missed her mom. I hope they're having fun together up there... today is probably the best Mother's Day Jenni has had in years.

Now that I've gotten that off of my chest, let's see if I can grade papers through tears...

I hate mornings like this...

Winnie the Pooh Swine Flu Song

2009-05-09T19:42:00.001-04:00

I heard a song on the Bob and Tom Show one morning this week. It sounds like one of the old songs from the cartoon at first, but then Piglet sneezes and Pooh (thinking Piglet has the swine flu) kills him. Knowing the Bob and Tom Show, I'm sure it was a comedian singing it, but I didn't recognize the voice. It is funny. I wish I could find it online and post it on the blog, but I've had no luck so far. If anybody knows where to find it, please point me there.

A Long, Tough Week

2009-05-08T20:10:00.000-04:00

I get allergies three times every year like clockwork: once in the spring, once in the fall, and once right after Christmas. This week, I fought through my second bout of 2009 and emerged victorious once again. I'm not completely out of the woods yet, but I feel tremendously better than Tuesday and Wednesday. I even managed to go to work every day this week. Part of that was not having any days left, and part was an odd feeling that I should tough it out because Jenni would have toughed it out. Of course, Jenni usually told me to skip work and go to the doctor, so it wasn't like she ever expected me to go to work sick. Sometimes I just compare the struggles I have with the struggles she had and feel guilty for complaining. I guess that's a good thing. Nobody likes a complainer.

In any case, I've got a busy weekend planned. There are lots of papers to grade and lots of errands to run on Saturday. And of course, I'll be in Lincolnton for Mother's Day.

Allergic to Kids?

2009-05-05T08:46:00.002-04:00

I think I'm allergic to my students. I took some tylenol severe sinus medicine this morning and felt better for about an hour. But then the kids came down the hallway and BAM! Allergies hit me like Mike Tyson. At least I have planning 1st period... Maybe I'll recover before I have a class.

Fixing Comment Problems

2009-05-04T15:57:00.000-04:00

I was just informed that it was impossible to post a comment because the "post a comment" link just refreshes the page. Sure enough, Val was right. I just fixed the problem, but I don't like the way I had to fix it. Now commenting takes you to a separate page instead of just creating a text box within the page. I'll fiddle around with the HTML a little and hopefully I'll get it fixed the way I want it soon. Unfortunately, I'm going head to head with my allergies again, so it might be a few days before I actually get around to that fiddling and fixing. At least it is functional now, though, even if it isn't pretty.

Rubistar: Rubrics Made Easy

2009-05-04T15:00:00.001-04:00

I love using rubrics. They front-load quite a bit of the decision-making and work of grading, which makes it extremely simple and much less subjective. The problem with rubrics is that they are really easy to do, but can be difficult to do well. In fact, I have to admit that I have often found myself getting bogged down in the initial phases of creating a rubric only to find out later that I should have spent more time in the fine tuning stages.

Rubistar does almost all of the initial phases of rubric creation for you so that you can spend almost all of your time fine tuning. And best of all? It is free. I'm sold. Or rather, not sold because I didn't pay anything. But still, this site is awesome. Check it out by clicking here.

Maddie's Dance Recital & Grandview's Jenni-Shirts

2009-05-03T17:10:00.002-04:00

I went to Clayton this weekend to see Maddie's dance recital. My pictures from Maddie's routine were a little pathetic, but the ones I've posted here are from right before the recital. It was very obvious that she really enjoyed herself. A few of the dances before Maddie got on stage were tough to sit through, though. One group danced to "I Can Only Imagine" and another group danced to "God Bless the Broken Road." Both of those were songs that Jenni really liked, and "I Can Only Imagine" was even played at her funeral. No matter how sad I might have felt, it was a good day. Being around the family without Jenni was kind of awkward... but almost everything that I would have done with her is awkward. It will get easier, I'm sure.

While I was out of town, the faculty from Grandview Middle were participating in the March for Babies. Many of the students who were present were in Jenni's class and they all wore "In Loving Memory of Mrs. Cornwell" shirts. Val was there, so she called me on the phone and told me about it. I might have gone if I had known, but I'm still not a big fan of crying in public and I'm not sure I would have been able to stop myself. As soon as I get pictures, I'll post them. I do have one, but from what I hear, the teacher in the picture doesn't want anyone to see the pic, so I'll wait for the other ones.

Playing Cards Again

2009-04-26T12:33:00.001-04:00

I didn't make it through church this morning... teared up during the music and slipped out the back so no one would see me. Now I'm heading to the local card shop to play in a tournament. As I said in earlier, gaming is about the only thing that keeps my mind off of things, so I figure I should get back to playing some games. Maybe I'll feel better this afternoon than I did yesterday and this morning.

While I'm here and talking about games, I might as well point folks to this site. I've been a member of the Christian Gamers' Guild for a while, but I hadn't realized that we have a real website in addition to the yahoo group. While I was there, I stumbled across this page and got really excited. It's a long read, but well worth it if you ever worry about someone who plays Dungeons and Dragons or similar games (in other words... somebody like me). This FAQ basically answers all of the questions that Christians ask about gamers. Isn't that a link to the occult? Isn't it evil? Isn't it witchcraft? The short answer is, "No, it isn't." But that doesn't satisfy most people. I used to try to answer these questions myself, but I was never able to express things as eloquently as the guild expresses them. Check it out if you're interested.

The Best and Worst Song I've Ever Heard...

2009-04-25T21:34:00.001-04:00

I've been playing this song on repeat quite a bit lately... the reason is obvious...

It is depressing, but somehow comforting that it sums up exactly how I feel these days...

This Week Hasn't Been the Best...

2009-04-25T21:06:00.000-04:00

Words cannot describe how difficult this week has been, despite some highlights.

Sunday was the first time I made it to church since Jenni was admitted to the hospital at the beginning of March, and it was tough going without her. Our whole church visited a trio of churches in and around Charlotte (Elevation Church, True Destiny Christian Church, and New Spring Church) but I only made it to the first one. The music was awesome, and I was really enjoying it for the first minute or two, but then it hit me... Jenni would love this music. After that, I was fighting back tears for the whole service. I didn't go to the second church or the third. Jenni's dad and I grabbed something to eat and looked at laptops in Best Buy instead.

I started working again on Monday, and I found out that the money Mr. Linebarger deposited in my account was not from a love offering at church (like I assumed). Instead, it was money that the students had raised while I was gone. It wasn't the first time the school raised money for me, but I was a lot more emotional this time around. I was able to get control of myself before the kids got to my room, so at least they didn't see me on the verge of tears. I am man enough to admit that I cry. Lately, I've cried a lot. And really, I don't mind people knowing that I cry. But I still don't want people to actually see me doing it.

I was really hoping that everyone who said that getting back to work would be good for me would be right, but overall I can't say I feel any better today than I felt a week ago. If anything, I feel more overwhelmed trying to get caught up with work on top of grieving. I am counting down the days until the end of the year. I need more time by myself and I wish I was starting off a new school year instead of trying to finish this one as gracefully as possible.

Papers and projects piled up while I was gone, and I have mountains of work to grade in my room. I've been working on a little here and there, but I feel so drained that I never manage to work very long before I stop and do something else.

I did get nominated for the Hickory Public Schools Teacher of the Year, and I'm flattered. Jenni deserves the award, though... not me. I don't think I will ever be able to match her passion for teaching, and yet that still leaves room for me to be more passionate than most teachers I know.

Gaming has been the one thing I've been able to sink time into that keeps my mind off of Jenni enough that I don't feel like a wreck. If you're a reader of Outsyder Gaming, this was probably already obvious from my abnormally large number of posts during April (more than any other month so far, and there's still a week left). Unfortunately, the time to play games (as opposed to just fiddling around with game-related stuff on the internet) has been hard to come by lately. I have played cards with Matt a few times in the last week or two, but that's been the extent of it.

Today has been long. I had a ton of things I intended to do, including calling a few friends I haven't spoken to in a week or more (sorry Ben & Lathan), but I haven't really felt like doing much at all today, or talking to anyone for that matter. After running a few errands and grabbing lunch, I wrote a little and just goofed off on the internet for a while. Sometime this afternoon I created a Google Profile just for the heck of it. You can check it out here if you'd like. I know most people could care less what I did today, but I'm getting to the point, I promise. When you finish your profile, a message pops up saying that if you search for your name, your google profile will show up at the bottom of the Google search engine page. I thought that was pretty cool, so I googled myself to see if it was there yet. It was, but as I scrolled down the page I noticed Jenni's name and clicked on it... and fell apart as I read her obituary. Yes, Jenni's obituary is on the first page of the search results whenever you google my name.

There are a ton of things I need to do... but I just don't feel like getting out of bed... even to see why my phone is vibrating on the other side of the room... I might just try to sleep off the funk I'm in and hope tomorrow goes better...

Tar Heel News: John Wall and Ed Davis

2009-04-18T11:02:00.002-04:00

I could have sworn I heard on SportsCenter that John Wall followed Calipari and signed on with Kentucky, but this update just popped up on the ESPN website yesterday, so maybe I misunderstood. In any case, I know that the Heels were at least in the running for him at one point. Of course we want him. The real question is, with such a great freshman class coming in next year, do we really need him? Perhaps more importantly, do we have room?

Regardless of need, want, or room, its hard to argue with a point guard who can do this:

In other Tar Heel news (probably old news, but I just noticed it), Ed Davis is staying for another year... AWESOME...

Josh Cornwell a Runner? WHAT?!

2009-04-18T08:59:00.000-04:00

I've never been much of a runner. I stole that line from Elijah Wood in The Faculty, "I don't run unless I'm being chased," added "or I'm on the basketball court," and that pretty much fit me. But nowadays, I'm finding myself with too much free time on my hands and feeling more out of shape than ever, so I've been running. I haven't run too much, mind you, but I'd say that (aside from the occasional basketball game) I've run more in the last three days than I have since the days of having to run the mile in high school P.E. I was in pretty good shape in high school. I miss being able to play full court for more than a couple of possessions without collapsing.

Twitterfeed Is The Coolest

2009-04-16T14:54:00.001-04:00

I just finished linking my blogs to my new Twitter account. Net Biz Amateur was already set up, but the blog posts from this site were still posting to my old Twitter account, which I don't actually do anything on anymore. So, long story short, there are now three ways to stay up to date with this blog... signing up for email updates (right sidebar), subscribing to the RSS feed, or following me on Twitter.

If you want to automatically tweet your blog posts, visit www.twitterfeed.com and follow the simple instructions. You'll be tweeting automatically in minutes.

To those who are still reading my ramblings... thanks!

Po Po Spank Tech Savvy Student

2009-04-15T17:59:00.003-04:00

I just got this link from a tweet. To be honest, this is kind of scary for anyone decent with computer skills...

http://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2009/04/boston-college-prompt-commands-are-suspicious

Doctor Bills

2009-04-15T15:58:00.001-04:00

Well, I just got off the phone with Duke's customer service department. They refiled a set of claims that the insurance was refusing to pay in full. Fingers crossed and praying... Please let the insurance cover everything!
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

Mobile Blogging Title Problem Fixed?

2009-04-15T13:59:00.001-04:00

I think I've figured out how to fix the lack of a post title. If this post has a title, I'm good to go on posting to the blog from anywhere!
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel

Problem With Mobile Blogging...

2009-04-14T13:45:00.002-04:00

Okay, I'm playing around with this mobile blogging thing and I can't figure out how to add a title to "text to blog" post. Am I just stupid or is there really no way to do it?

Busy Day, Working on Normality

2009-04-13T09:44:00.000-04:00

I actually woke up before lunch today... of course, I also fell asleep around 6:00 last night. I've got a ton of things to do today: laundry, lunch with my mom, starting the process of getting things switched into my name now that I have copies of Jenni's death certificate. Geez, even writing that is tough. I can't wait until everything gets settled and I can grieve without the added headache of paperwork and having to tell people how I'm doing.

In any case, nothing feels anywhere close to normal but I'm working on establishing a new normal. That's the primary goal, anway. Get all the crap out of the way so I can work on being normal, or at least as close as I can get. It will definitely take some work...

Carolina Barnstorming Tour

2009-04-09T16:27:00.003-04:00

This year's senior Tar Heels (Tyler Hansbrough, Bobby Frasor, Danny Green, Mike Copeland, and some third stringers), a pair of Dookies, Hugh Jones and Antwan Scott all came to Hickory High School this week to play the high school team for charity. I had heard some rumors that there would be something for/about Jenni at halftime, so I forced myself to go just in case (and I brought my mom's video camera too). It turned out that those rumors were just rumors, Jenni was not mentioned, and I left just a little disappointed. But it wasn't all bad. I do recognize the fact that I need to get out and get moving, even when all I want to do is hide in the house... and I'm not sure if I would have gone at all if not for those rumors.

The game was fun to watch even if the dunk competition was a little disappointing. It was obvious that the college players were just messing around with the high schoolers, but a few of the Hickory seniors put on a show too. Trevin Parks (the only one I know... and just because I work with his mother) really stood out. I got most of the second half on video, but I'm having trouble getting it on YouTube; otherwise I would have embedded it in this post. I guess that will just have to wait for another day.

Used To

2009-04-08T14:11:00.001-04:00

It amazes me how a song that doesn't have anything to do with death can make me break down so easily. I gotta stay out of my mp3s for a while...

Used To
by Chris Daughtry

You used to talk to me like
I was the only one around.
You used to lean on me like
The only other choice was falling down.
You used to walk with me like
We had nowhere we needed to go,
Nice and slow, to no place in particular.

We used to have this figured out;
We used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there's you, and at least there's me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be?

I used to reach for you when
I got lost along the way.
I used to listen.
You always had just the right thing to say.
I used to follow you.
Never really cared where we would go,
Fast or slow, to anywhere at all.

We used to have this figured out;
We used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there's you, and at least there's me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be?

I look around me,
And I want you to be there
'Cause I miss the things that we shared.
Look around you.
It's empty, and you're sad
'Cause you miss the love that we had.

You used to talk to me like
I was the only one around,
The only one around.

We used to have this figured out;
We used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there's you, and at least there's me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be? Yeah.
To how it used to be.
To how it used to be, yeah.
To how it used to be.
To how it used to be.

Adsense Account Disabled

2009-04-06T16:59:00.001-04:00

As I feared, Adsense apparently did nothing about the email I sent them about the unusual activity on Jennibugg's Blog until today, when they disabled my whole account... which means that a large chunk of the money I was hoping to use to pay off doctor bills and funeral expenses has just evaporated.

Wonderful... just wonderful...

Monday Morning - A Good Day?

2009-04-06T11:42:00.000-04:00

Image via Wikipedia

I was actually able to get to sleep at a decent time last night (11:00) and I woke up at a decent time this morning (8:30)... and I felt strangely refreshed. After weeks of semi-sleepless nights, I actually slept well for the first time since I lost Jenni.

I actually feel good today, and it isn't the fake good that I've been trying to put on for everybody who has been worried about me. I seriously doubt that this is the end of feeling lonely and somewhat depressed, but I do feel like I've turned a corner. Now I just need to force myself to stay busy all day so I don't just sit in bed and waste away like I've been doing...

Found my UNC vs Evansville Ticket

2009-04-03T08:30:00.001-04:00

While I was gathering photos and things to scan and add to the picture slide show on Jennibugg's Blogg, I ran across a UNC basketball ticket... the game that Tyler Hansbrough broke Carolina's scoring record.

Being at the game was awesome, but the night almost ended in disaster. Jenni, Josh, Bob, and I all met at Red Robin to eat dinner. Jenni had a test to get at Duke, so she went to get her test while I went with Josh and Bob to the game. It seemed like a great idea at the time. Unfortunately, when she was on the way to the Dean Dome to pick me up, she realized that her phone was dying. She turned it off to save some of the battery and was going to call me back when she got to the parking lot. The problem was that as soon as I got off the phone with her, my phone died. Apparently I was almost out of battery too but I didn't hear the warning beeps... and I had already left Josh and Bob because I thought I knew where Jenni would come to pick me up.

We both ended up going in circles (Jenni driving and me walking) all around the Dean Dome trying to find one another... and just when Jenni was about to drive back to Hickory (assuming that I had gotten a ride with Josh & Bob), I spotted her and flagged her down. I was just seconds away from getting left behind in Chapel Hill!

Oh, the memories... its a great story to tell now, but I sure was stressed out that night!

A Busy (But Hopefully Satisfying) Saturday

2009-04-03T00:43:00.000-04:00

I intend to sleep in. If I am awake before lunch, I will feel disappointed. If I am not awake by lunch, I will (hopefully) feel refreshed.

In the early afternoon, I'll be working on thank you cards. I don't know how long it will take, but my mom and Valerie will be helping me out, so hopefully not all day. I'm not sure what I'll do afterwards, except that Final Four basketball games start around 6 pm (GO HEELS!) and I won't want to miss them. I'm not even sure where I'll be watching the games... might go to Lathan's... might invite people over... just not sure. I've been really indecisive lately.

The Day After April Fools

2009-04-02T08:30:00.002-04:00

Of the things I attempted to do yesterday, I only managed to get about half of them done, and that's counting the things that I started but only halfway finished. I did manage to get out long enough to get a haircut, but the experience proved that I'm not really ready to come out of hiding yet. The girl that cut my hair was just a little too cheerful, which may have just been a front that she had to put on because she was at work, but I found myself not very tolerant of people who are in good moods. By the time I left, I felt like a real jerk... evaded any question she asked, responded quickly to those I couldn't evade completely, and just wasn't my usual friendly self... so I tipped her well. Is it bad that I feel out of place around happy people?

Despite being a little depressed, I intend to force myself to accomplish more today than I did yesterday. Things on the list (in no particular order):

Pay a bunch of bills (some of which are overdue)
Go to the gym and run off some stress
Grade papers so that when I go back to work, I will actually be caught up
Continue working on the "how to" for making a blog like Jennibugg's Blogg
Continue working on Net Biz Amateur
Deposit my tax refund check
Try to figure out what to do about thank you cards for all the people who helped support me while Jenni was in the hospital
Scan a bunch of pictures to add to Jennibugg's Blogg
Work on the last big thank you
Reword some of my older posts on Jennibugg's Blogg that weren't exactly eloquent

Wow... gonna be a busy day...

By the way, if anybody wants to follow me on Twitter, check me out by clicking here.

Today's Plans

2009-04-01T14:59:00.000-04:00

I couldn't sleep last night... was awake until about 4 AM watching the History Channel and trying not to think about anything. The morning disappeared. When I finally did get to sleep, I was out cold until after lunchtime. I've just now managed to get up and get moving. I need to work on the flat tire in my garage, get a haircut before the shag gets irritating, redo the laundry I started Sunday that never made it to the dryer, and work on the "how to" posts for families who might benefit from a blog like Jennibugg's Blogg. If I get everything finished, I'd like to continue work on Net Biz Amateur, but I don't know if I'll have the energy once I manage to get all of the previously mentioned stuff done.

Face Lift

2009-03-31T10:08:00.000-04:00

I mentioned here that Musings of a Crazy Teacher needed a major face lift, so I'm working on that now. I really want to work on Jenni's blog, but I can't do too much on her site without getting that empty, lonely feeling that I'm trying to avoid right now.

So I'm working on this blog instead. Who knows... maybe I'll start writing more here. I usually manage a post or two per month. Maybe I'll actually get some traffic.

Worst Dunk Ever...

2009-03-27T21:35:00.003-04:00

I'm sitting around waiting for Carolina to play tonight, talking basketball with Ben and my father-in-law. The subject of bad dunks has been brought up, and this is by far one of the worst ever...

Airplane Puke Stunt Video... Funny Stuff

2009-03-17T05:05:00.003-04:00

Jeremiah showed me this video tonight... probably just to cheer me up... it worked, even if it was only temporary relief...

Hilarious...

Pacific Time Zone?

2009-03-08T18:34:00.000-04:00

Why oh why does Blogger not ask for your time zone when you create a blog? If it does ask, why oh why did I put in the wrong one?

I just wrote a post a few hours ago that specifically states the time I was writing and then realized when I checked the site that it had posted with a different timestamp. Now things are fixed, but if you check this post, you can see how dumb I look mixing up times.